Anyone who talks to me for about five seconds knows I adore an anxious, Jewish puffball known as Jesse Eisenberg.
Recently, I was catching up on Marc Maron’s WTF podcast and in the one where he interviews Michael Cera, Cera lamented being constantly confused with Eisenberg. He said fans come up to him and compliment him on Eisenberg’s movies, which is hilarious but kind of demoralizing. I wanted to help! So I thought what better way to prove you’re two different people than to star in a movie together? In fact, I’m sort of surprised this hasn’t happened yet. In fact, I’m Googling around and I don’t think they’ve even ever taken a picture together. I am aghast.
While I crush hard on Jesse, I can’t say I get the same tingle from Michael. But they both definitely fit a horrible neurotic type I have. So would I like to see them in a film together? Absolutely. Would I like to have pitched or written that film? Definitely.
Here are some potential movie ideas for Mr. Cera and Mr. Eisenberg. For their consideration! (I actually think they are both super talented actors, so this is all in good fun. Thanks!)
A shy, stuttering police academy graduate (Cera) is paired with a shy, stuttering young cop (Eisenberg) to bust a drug ring being run out of a local thrift store. There, they encounter an undercover cop played by some loopy manic pixie dream girl who loves record collecting and looking down as she scuffs her Converse toes against the pavement. Can these two unlikely officers come together to solve crime? Will they ever get up the courage to win the girl? Can either of them ever get a sentence out? (“St-st-stop! In the name of the law! Like, if you want to. Sorry. Sorry. That was so lame. Um. Just like, please don’t break any laws? If you want. Okay. I’ll just go now.”)
When Billy’s (Cera) mom marries Bobby’s (Eisenberg) dad, tempers minorly flare very passive-aggressively as the boys just can not get along. Billy is a macrobiotic vegan while Bobby is just a regular vegan. Billy plays the ukelele while Bobby plays the triangle. Billy stumbles and flails when talking to girls and Bobby fumbles and stalls when talking to girls. How can these two stellar opposites ever make it work?! They’re forced to come together when they realize they can crush the competition at the big Battle of the Bands. If only they can both get over their shared terrible stage fright.
A neurotic over-thinking twenty-something (Eisenberg) starts seeing a young therapist (Cera) when he comes back to his hometown after his college graduation. His family consists of his quirky, neglectful mother and his perfect, married older brother. He also feels like he wants to win over a girl who talked to him once in high school and who has developed the ability to be a beautiful alcoholic who needs saving. Even so, the entire movie is just Eisenberg and Cera in Cera’s office over-analyzing Eisenberg’s childhood.
Romantic Teen Comedy
An unpopular high school dork (Eisenberg) takes an unpopular high school nerd (Cera) under his wing as a dare from his Magic The Gathering playing buddies to teach him how to become…um, I guess slightly cooler than he already was? Can he get this khaki-pants-wearing lost cause ready in time to run for prom king and win the heart of the mute, bespectacled girl in the AV club? Will either of them actually ever talk to a female? Is it possible to set a makeover montage at an Old Navy? He is truly all that…or at least, uh, some of that. I mean, right? Sorry.
Two college friends (Cera and Eisenberg) decide to drive up to one of their family’s cabin in the woods for the weekend. Little do they know an escaped convicted serial killer is lurking in the darkness waiting for his next victims. In the end, though, neither of them dies because the virgin always lives.
EISENBERG: “I just…um…I wish I could…you know, uh, quit you. In the most uh, pejorative sense of the word. Not that I think you’re a drug or anything! I hate drugs! I can’t even eat a pixie stick without feeling hungover. Um. Anyway. I like you. Uh, like-like you. But like, I’m having some trouble, um, dealing with that so…hence the uh, quitting. Yeah.”