Foods I Can’t Believe People Don’t Like

Judging people is wrong, but when it comes to food choices it’s really easy to do. Mostly, this is an okay practice, as long as you don’t say anything out loud about it while they are eating. Lord knows there’s enough delicacy involved in people’s consumption habits. You don’t want to cause any anorexia relapses because you’re being a sh-tty person during a meal. But! Sometimes it’s really hard not to question someone for failing to understand the glory of a certain food you love. Because I mean…right? It’s delicious and it’s the best and what is wrong with you?!

I’m sure everyone has their own version of these but here are my foods that, if you say you don’t like them, I’ll side-eye the crap out of you.

Goat Cheese


A few months ago at a party, I found out one of my very best friends dislikes goat cheese. I almost threw him out of the house. I felt like I didn’t know him at all. Not liking goat cheese is beyond me. Goat cheese is amazing. It is creamy and delicious. It is like throwing a Ludacris verse on the track in the early 2000s — it makes everything way better. Aside from those with lactose intolerance (a group I realize will have trouble with a lot of these…), how can anyone not love goat cheese?

When I was in Europe, Chelsea’s boyfriend bought goat cheese potato chips for us to eat while pre-gaming. I wrinkled my nose, turning the package over in my hands. There was no way these could be tasty — even if they were made of God’s gift to cheeses. I tried one. …All right. Not terrible, but not great. I started going through the five stages of eating something you’re not sure is actually good.

1. Denial (These are gross!)
2. Anger (Why am I still eating these?!)
3. Bargaining (Okay, maybe just oneeee more.)
4. Depression (Ugh, I am so unhealthy. I am definitely gonna eat all of these.)
5. Acceptance (Whatever. These are delicious and gross. They are both. They are grosslicious. I have lost all shame.)

Half a bag later, I awoke from my goat cheese chip coma. Goat cheese is the Kevin Garnett of cheeses. Anything is possible.



Never has such a yummy food been trapped in such a hard-to-get-through shell. Have you ever tried to actually get to the avocado part of an avocado? It’s the worst. Such a knife-to-flesh hazard. All that work for usually, like just a sliver of actual avocado. But is it worth it? Always. Avocado is consistently a treat — like that one friend who really gets the party started. When avocado shows up unexpectedly on a sandwich or in a salad, it is perfectly acceptable to jump up and down and do a touchdown dance at the table.

When I was a kid, my family had an avocado tree in our backyard and so my parents learned to make a ton of dishes with this fruit as the centerpiece. To this day, I take it for granted that everyone must love avocado. In fact, it’s the name of my new screenplay starring Diane Lane and John Cusack — Must Love Avocado. Coming to theaters soon.



How can you not like bagels? There are so many kinds — sesame and everything and poppy seed and cinnamon raisin. With all this variety, there’s no excuse for anyone to order a “plain” bagel. PLAIN?! No. My people, the Jews, did not invent bagels so you could be unimaginative. Get out of here with your “I don’t really like bagels, so I order a plain one with butter” BS. Moses and Golda Meir and Andy Kaufman are rolling in their graves.

This butter situation is also something that blows my mind. HAVE YOU EVER TASTED CREAM CHEESE? It might not be the chosen cheese (duh, see above: goat) but it’s certainly up there. And like bagels, there are as many possible choices of shmear as there are on an SAT scan tron. Strawberry cream cheese, vegetable cream cheese, lox spread. You’re causing me pain with this butter nonsense. You’re causing my people pain. You are basically the human version of Woody Allen’s recent career.

Mushrooms, Olives and Beets


A quickie threesome of taste-bud joy. If you don’t like even one of these, you can get the eff out. On that same note, if you do like tomatoes, you are incorrect. They are slimy and terrible. Meanwhile, mushrooms, olives and beets are a hat-trick of proof that things that grow out of the Earth are meant to make us happy. Get over here, you three. Get in my mouth.



You…don’t eat pizza? Pizza?! But like…you have taste buds, right? Pizza is universal. If humanity had a family crest, do you know what would be on it? Pizza. Do you know what one of the most common last meals is for prisoners on Death Row? Pizza. When aliens come down from outer space looking for some milestone of our culture with which to connect, I hope we give them pizza.

How can you not enjoy pizza?! I don’t…oh god, someone get the smelling salts, I’m about to pass out. TC Mark

image – CGissemann


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  • Allison

    How can you not like tomatoes? Especially in the summer? I have one word for you: “heirloom.”

    • maria

      No no no! Roma. THE BEST TOMATO. As someone who only recently started eating tomatoes (and almost got disowned by my parents for denying how delicious they are for so long), plum tomatoes are now one of the most wonderful foods I’ve ever put in my mouth.

    • Sara Suzanne

      I was just thinking that. I’d trade avacado for a bonafide ripe heirloom tomato any day!

    • K

      Tomato plus avocado plus balsamic vinaigrette. My fave snack!!!!!!

      • Alice

        TOMATO + AVOCADO + GOAT CHEESE ON A BAGEL. then you can have pizza for dinner or something.

  • Oliver Miller

    I never totally have grokked the fact that like 10% of people loathe tomatoes. “Slimy”? Now you’re just inventing reasons to hate them. They’re not sli-iiimy. Just hate them because you hate them; let your hatred be pure like that.

  • autumnbanter

    Mushrooms are pure evil. That is all.

  • Zuz

    Who doesn’t like pizza??

    • Leona

      Me! And I’m really sorry for that, but bwaaahh! I don’t understand why everyone likes pizza so much. . .

      • Andrew Pico

        then u obviously haven’t had good pizza

  • autumnbanter

    Tomatoes are awesome!

  • Courtney

    avocado tastes like soapy, cucumber pudding. no thanks forever.

    • Hollis

      Amen to that.

      • LuC

        I hate avocado with the fire of a thousand suns

  • Mark Azali (@notjohnlee)

    I wish I could love mushrooms and olives. I don’t pick them off pizzas, but I really struggle learning to appreciate them on their own :(

  • Carlos Ortiz

    When I was 3 years old I told a kid he literally could not be my friend unless he had some avocado on his fries.
    I dislike Pizza as a concept. dislike it even more when people talk about how everyone likes it. but I mean I do enjoy the taste of pizza. just don’t want to eat it.

    • nikki

      Is pizza to mainstream for your hipster tastebuds?

    • bloop

      “as a concept.” lolol ok you giant fucking weirdo.

  • adamcrittenden

    Haiku #?

    I don’t know how this
    happened, but goat cheese came to (life)
    and taught a science (course).

  • hrfe

    I haven’t even seen beets in like 10 years.

    • Allison

      You must have not been to any “New American” restaurants in the past five.

      • Emily Mancer

        yup. i’m fascinated by how anyone can have escaped noticing how ‘beetroot and goat cheese salad’ is like a staple item on every menu. it must be replacing caesar….

      • Laura

        maybe be that’s only in parts of the country? I have been to a bunch of “new american” restaurants over the last couple of years, and I have seen it but only a handful of times.

  • Erin B. (@darkheadlights)

    Go to New Jersey and eat a tomato. Then talk to me about tomatoes.

  • k10

    Olives. VOMIT.

  • Jessica

    Hmmm, of this list the only thing I like are….tomatoes. Beets are okay on occasion, I guess, but mushrooms are FUNGUS, bagels are terrible for you, olives are always way too salty, and avocado is way too squishy. I’ve never considered myself a particularly picky eater, but just add broccoli and you’ve listed everything I hate.

  • Abbie

    Beets taste like dirt and yes, I do know what dirt taste like… beets.

  • Domino

    awwww i think it’s so cute how we all have such different tastes!


  • Rishtopher

    I actually dislike all of these foods…But I have my reasons:

    1) I dislike cream cheese very much and goat cheese reminds me of it. I don’t even like cheese all that much though.
    My alternative: Havarti/Jack, mozzarella, “boring cheese” I guess.

    2) I don’t like the consistency or taste of avocado (hence I have never enjoyed guacamole)
    My alternative: I’d rather just eat oranges, pineapples or mangoes or something less…mushy?

    3) Nothing against mushrooms, I just can’t taste those for some reason. Olives have too strong a flavour/smell and beets just taste gross. I LOVE tomatoes though!
    My alternative: I guess tomatoes, peppers, broccoli, asparagus…I dunno really.

    4) I like pizza… occasionally. I like to have it once a month at most. I just don’t find it very tasty or filling no matter what goes on it.
    My alternative: Probably a sub, pasta, quesadilla, curry, poutine, pad thai. I guess I never liked pizza that much.

    So yeah, feel free to invite me to your dinner parties, I’m sure we’ll get along great!

    • Emily Mancer

      ….but mango and avocado have pretty much exactly the same texture? smooth and creamy and, yes, when over ripe they get mushy. i don’t know, unless you’re referring to really young green mangoes, i can’t see how texture would be the issue.

  • Hannah L.

    fuck you i don’t like pizza

  • Gail

    One of my friends doesn’t like pizza and another doesn’t like cake. I don’t fully trust that they’re not sociopaths.

  • FC

    avocados are better in a tortilla with some salt sprinkled on it.
    broccoli is my favorite vegetable, but my friends hate it.

    also, it is probably a result of bad experiences of being forced to eat them as a kid, but despite many people trying to make me reconsider my view, i hate tomatoes on their own. just the smell of it makes me back off.

  • Carrie

    “Get over here, you three. Get in my mouth.”
    Love this.

  • Lo

    beets are literally the most foul tasting pieces of shit ever.
    but everything else i agree to.

  • shyzo

    I live for cheese, especially goat and cream.. and lots and lots of other kinds. One of the reasons why I would never really become a full blown vegetarian or vegan even. Love me some dairy products.
    As a child I really didn’t like avocado. Now it’s one of my favourites. Kinda similar is my experience with tomatoes. Loved them, now I slowly turn to dislike.
    I’m almost the only person in my immediate friend cycle who eats olives. I think I’m the only one enjoying dates.
    Beats are okay, mushrooms are love.
    Pizza is my favourite Italian food.
    Yay, now I’m hungry, thanks.

    • K

      Dates are like candy!!!!

  • Kady Heron (@heronkady10)

    Why is pizza included here? and I love avocados
    Saving Thousands of People Hundreds of Dollars a month. Join the club today. Just click ->

  • mathewpaulk

    cheese and pizza is what i live for, it’s why i wake up everyday, it’s why i work so hard everyday, so i get so some money for cheese and pizza

  • like omg wtf bbq

    People who are lactose intolerant can usually eat goat cheese with no trouble.
    *-*-* the more you know *-*-*

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