A Short, Non-Comprehensive List Of #BisexualProblems

1. Are you checking me out or do you like my outfit?

Sometimes you’re a girl and you’re so sure another girl is checking you out but it turns out she’s really she’s just judging your outfit. It’s hard to tell which is which. Even if she decides she likes what you’re wearing, that doesn’t mean she’s trying to lez you up. Proceed with caution. Same goes for gay or bi dudes checking out other dudes. Or straight dudes who appreciate a good fashion decision. It can be super disappointing when some girl does the up-and-down eyes at you but stops on your sparkly gold TOMs. Damn it, lady. My boobs are up here!

2. Am I checking you out or do I just like your outfit?

One time, a guy told me that the women other women found attractive always boggled his mind. Generally, he said, women were way more willing to forgive an “ugly” face if the girl was either thin or well-dressed. I don’t necessarily agree with this assessment. I’ve definitely seen both genders decide someone is pretty just because they’re thin and not because they have any attractive or interesting features. I’m also guilty of thinking: “Is that girl hot? Or is she just wearing a cute outfit?” I’m not sure if I want to hit on her or ask her where she bought her dress. By then, it’s always too late. She’s already seen me staring at her like a creep. Abort mission! Run away!

3. I can’t tell if you’re a guy or a girl but I think you’re hot anyway.

This happens to me pretty often so I’m thinking it must happen to a butt load of other people too. This isn’t so much a problem as it is awesome for people with fluid sexualities. No need for confusion here. I shrug and stop worrying about gender altogether. But er…What do straight people do?

4. “I didn’t misspeak. I said ‘my ex-girlfriend’ and ‘my current boyfriend.’”

Whenever I write personal essays about love or relationships, I wonder if people are confused or think I’m some kind of fake, composite character. I don’t like over-explaining what should be obvious but I’ve had people, in the comments here on Thought Catalog too, say, “But wait, why is she writing about LGBTQ issues when she has a boyfriend?” or “Why is she mentioning an ex-girlfriend when I know she dates a guy?” When this happens in real life, there’s always a (sometimes brief) flash of understanding that sweeps across the other person’s face. I call it “The Lightbulb.” After a few moments, they put it together that I didn’t misspeak and realize what the deal is. The lightbulb clicks on.

5. Um. Not sure which half of this couple I’m attracted to.

I know. I know. The easy answer here is the threesome. But! For when that’s not an option, or if that’s not something you’re interested in (because guess what! Not all bisexuals are down for that!), you’re gonna have to figure out which side of the duo is making your tongue wag. Hard to parse out sometimes. If you’re attracted to both, suck it up and creep on their PDAs from the corner of the room like a bridge troll. Then go home and jerk it about them later. Or you know, maybe leave that couple alone and admire them from afar like a fine Monet painting or well-crafted Rodin sculpture. Look. Don’t touch. Bummer.

6. “No, you don’t know that I’ll end up with a man.”

Oh man. Answering this accusation — innocent or malicious — makes my blood boil. Are you a fortune teller? How could you possibly know who anyone is going to “end up” with? Either someone says that to a bisexual woman because they can’t wrap their mind around a woman who might want dicks, not ending up with a dick — or because they’re ignorant of how presumptuous and heteronormative that is. If someone says this to a bisexual man, it’s about thinking any gay interaction means you are GAY 4EVER OMG.

Along those lines, “Are you really gay though?” is not a good question to ask a bisexual person. Even technology seems to be against us. Just now, while looking for a photo for this article, I went to Flickr Creative Commons and typed “bisexual” into search. Flickr Creative Commons replied, “Did you mean gay?”

No, I did not, Flickr Creative Commons. Jesus. Who are you? My mom? TC Mark

image – Nargee-La

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  • http://nunudeen.wordpress.com nunudeen

    Great post!!

  • http://gravatar.com/jereich2 jereich2

    This makes me want to give you a hug.

  • http://www.facebook.com/ang.raabe Angela Raabe

    Love it. Especially #3. Thumbs up for fluid sexualities.

  • Ardalan

    good article. but the last thing about Flickr is a lie. see it for yourself: http://www.flickr.com/search/?q=bisexual

    • http://twitter.com/#!/gabydunn Gaby Dunn

      Flickr in general yes! But Flickr Creative Commons didn’t know what I meant.

  • http://twitter.com/alisonwisneski alisonwisneski (@alisonwisneski)

    3. I can’t tell if you’re a guy or a girl but I think you’re hot anyway.

    Gaby Dunn! This is one of my favorite topics! Lesbian, hipster, or dude! It is my favesies game to play. Why are we not besties yet?

    • http://gabydunnthoughtcatalog.wordpress.com Gaby Dunn

      :)

    • http://hotfemmeinthecity.wordpress.com natasiarose

      That’s one of mine too! Playing that game on the L train is the master level.

  • http://twitter.com/VeggieLord Natsu (@VeggieLord)

    Not sure if you get this often but I do. Seems that a lot of hetero people around me tend to forget that being bi doesn’t equate to promiscuity. I like guys and I like girls BUT ONLY ONE AT A TIME. That gets on my nerves major-ly.

    Neways, great article! :)

    • http://twitter.com/hrhment Hunter (@hrhment)

      It’s not giving me the option tho thumbs up this. So thumbs up!!

  • duncansomerside

    fucking brilliant. You asked the #3 question to straight people, but as a gay man, I have an answer. I am 100% gay and have no sexual buzzing when I see a girl, but sometimes girls look like hot ass fucking guys… Until I discover under those pants are scary vaginas I have no want to enter into. :( Great post though!

  • Me

    “No, I did not, Flickr Creative Commons. Jesus. Who are you? My mom?”

    Ah-mazing. Love it when serious topics leaves me with some thoughts, but also some laughs. Anyways, that line is pure gold.

  • The Smile Scavenger

    Haha #1 “My boobs are up here!” I experience that as well, but I’m lesbian. I’ve heard it’s tougher for women to approach femmes though because “It’s harder to tell.” So I never get hit on. Thank god I have Sara or I’d be screwed.

    You missed “Pick a side/you’re greedy/you just haven’t come out all the way yet” – an accusation I’ve seen frequently against bi people from both the straight and the gay community.

  • http://gravatar.com/scenefromahat scenefromahat

    woo hoo sexual fluidity!

  • http://twitter.com/FeministaJones Meshell Assofjello (@FeministaJones)

    Oh. I love this. Brava!

  • Eric Nguyen

    I see why you’re BFF’s with Rye Rye.

  • http://twitter.com/marianagarces Mariana Garces (@marianagarces)

    preach girl

  • Sarah

    Gaby Dunn. Seriously. THIS IS AMAZING. And perfect. As a fellow bisexual, I salute you.

    Threesome?

    • http://gabydunnthoughtcatalog.wordpress.com Gaby Dunn

      Giiiirl. ;)

  • Alex

    So freaking relatable!!!! I die. #4 especially. You’re by far my favorite on TC — keep the LOLs coming, they’re my mini-life rafts :)

  • iheartgabydunn

    haha the ending was perfect. and i am a big fan of #3 as well. androgyny is sexyyy

  • http://www.facebook.com/brandonwhumphries Brandon Humphries

    #3 happens to strictly dickly gay dudes too. Every once in a while I’ll run into some hot twink-y type from a distance, and as I get closer I realize that those arn’t pecs, they are just really tiny boobs. I just shrug it off and go about finding something with a penis.

  • Nora Formo

    You are forgetting the “DAMN, do I want to sleep with you or BE you?” dilemma.

    • http://twitter.com/JonTargaryen Carly Fowler (@JonTargaryen)

      Story of my life.

  • Elisha

    YES! Thank you so much for writing this post. I’m glad I’m not the only one who deals with these things. Especially #6.

  • A.D

    This is all very true. And a couple of times I’ve heard people actually say they don’t think being bisexual is “real”. So weird. Like literally they went “No, you’re gay or straight and that’s it, you can’t be both.”

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  • penny

    i’m bisexual but i’m beginning to be okay with adopting the label lesbian. i’m not sure if this is a good or bad thing. one one side, around these parts bisexuality is pretty rare and difficult to explain, and i hate having to constantly explain that even though im bisexual and am attracted to men, there is a big chance that i will not “end up with a man” sorry to disappoint you all and all that stuff. i don’t know though. is it bad and does that mean im trying to adapt to make it less of a hassle for everyone?

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