Wife Material, Vol. 2: Rihanna

For the second edition of Wife Material, I’m going a bit more controversial. Bringing up Rihanna can easily divide a room between those who think she didn’t adequately step up as a role model for victims of domestic violence and those who think it was never her responsibility to do so. We’ll get there. First, I want to say that I’m choosing Rihanna for this column because recent Rihanna? Back on her feet, sassy Rihanna? Is killing it for me. “Where Have You Been?”, her new video that just came out, features some pretty great dance moves. But duh, Rihanna’s always been hot. What she hasn’t always been is super confident and unapologetic. She’s slowly becoming one of my favorite celebrities in the genre of “famous people who have legitimately stopped caring about what people think.” When MTV tried to stir up sh-t tweeting pictures of her rolling a joint on a man’s head at Coachella, Rihanna didn’t take the bait; she tweeted “@rihanna ran out of f-cks to give.” LOL FOREVER. MTV took down the tweet in shame. Also great? Her frankness about her sex life, which she refuses to apologize for. Do you think Rihanna likes S&M? Yeah? What was your first clue, Dr. Watson? Get it, girl.

Oof. Not everyone is gonna be on board with this one. I’m already prepared. But hear me out. I think she’s growing up into a really cool woman.

Name: Rihanna

Age: 24

Occupation: Singer, actress, Twitter comedian, mistress of Top 40 pop’s S&M dungeon.

Description: Born in Barbados and with the sexy accent to prove it, Rihanna has been recording music since she was just 16 years old. Her hit songs include “Umbrella,” “Pon de Replay,” “Take A Bow,” “Disturbia,” “Please Don’t Stop The Music” and literally everything else that has ever graced your ears. I imagine when aliens land on Planet Earth, the first thing that will happen is they’ll hear “We Found Love” blaring from someone’s car speakers. GREAT introduction to our world. (Side note: Though not as explicit as “S&M,” “Rude Boy” is SUCH a gem.) She’s also starring in the movie version of the game Battleship. Yep. That’s a thing.

Benefits to Marriage: Like Jennifer Lawrence, Rihanna is one cool cat. She seems really self-assured, fun and witty. I like the person she’s grown into since the Chris Brown horror. As a survivor of domestic abuse myself, I can relate a lot to her desire to seem like a person who makes her own decisions — whether the world likes them or not. It’s a little damaged, but it’s working towards healing. Speaking from my own experience, when you go through something like that it’s important to take as much of your life back for yourself as you can, and to really assert yourself as an individual — and that’s what I see Rihanna doing lately. I can’t even imagine going through all that sh-t under the media scrutiny she faced. I think it’s important to remember that there is no template or “right” way to behave as an abuse victim. She really reminded me of that. Because of this, Rihanna would be an interesting person to marry and to grow with. Also, I feel this goes without saying but if you marry Rihanna, be prepared for some freaky sex. Whips, chains, leather. If you’re a dude, you better be cool with being dominated by a woman, at least sometimes. It’ll make you a better man. I promise.

Drawbacks: Okay, would we all like to see her never collaborate with Chris Brown again? Of course. Would we all like to see her publicly decry him and lead the charge to dismember his ballsack? Of course. Did she 100 percent perfectly handle the aftermath of her abuse? No. If that’s what you wanted from her, then that’s a HUGE drawback for marriage. She also has some real nonsensical tattoos but like, ride the L train sometime. Who doesn’t, right?

You Must Be: Understanding, flexible, fun, compassionate, strong, a weed smoker, a good dancer, open-minded, witty — oh, and into getting your nipples clamped with Chip Clips during sex.

The Dowry Rihanna Brings: Six Grammys, a wife who is pretty much a shape-shifter with how often she changes her look, an umbrella, a bajillion dollars, beautiful skin thanks to Nivea endorsements, infinite sexy costume changes, oh and also like, everyone in the world’s opinions on domestic violence. Oof. TC mark

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  • Guest

    First. Beat you to it. 

    • Vanessa

      why?

    • Oliver Miller

      I miss firsties.  I got a first on A.V. Club once.  Felt cool for all of twenty minutes and such.

  • Oliver Miller

    It’s hard to imagine what she could have done that’s worse than collaborating with Chris Brown.  It sends a real “Hey, Rihanna likes money” vibe.  It also sends a “I spend more time thinking about Rihanna’s life than Rihanna ever does” type of vibe.

    • Anonymous

      That song is a strong dealbreaker. I don’t know! I feel kinship!

      • Oliver Miller

        Bah!

  • https://twitter.com/#!/ZachAmes macgyver51

    I’m fairly sure her intellectual depth is the equivalent of a Taco Bell drive through menu.

    • Michaelwg

      Don’t you disparage Taco Bell, das racist.

    • http://twitter.com/shineesherlock Josh (조쉬)

      This just in: anonymous blog commenter definitely smarter than established entertainment icon. You’re so empowering! Keep it up!

      • https://twitter.com/#!/ZachAmes macgyver51

        I’m not sure the direction she’s takes herself in is altogether empowering in the first place. She is the female equivalent of a big dumb jock.

  • A.

    I agree with this article 100%. Damn, let the girl do what she wants and let her continue to be hot while doing it.

  • http://twitter.com/rachelzarrell Rachel Zarrell

    Ha, love it. Usually would argue against Rihanna but how you framed it made me see her side a bit more. Still…that collaboration was tacky as shit.

    • Anonymous

       It was the worst.

      • Sam

        ^ Yes and yes.

  • Michaelwg

    Wife material? No. But only because marriage is for squares. Will I let her tie me up and put out cigarettes on my chest while calling me deragatory names and racial slurs? Sure, y not.

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_XETLBYNZPN66ONYTNISZIDTU2Q OT

    i mean,
    i’d wife 

  • http://twitter.com/robwoh Robert Wohner

    Rihanna’s ex and Los Angeles Dodger Matt Kemp has been ridiculously good this season. He might now be the best player in professional baseball.  Which could suggest two things. Either not having her drama in his life was ultimately best for his career. Or! All that coconut water and increased flexibility was the best thing that ever happened to his game. I’m leaning toward the latter. 

  • Katherine

    I think Rihanna collaborating with Chris Brown showed the world that she is over what happened, that she’s okay, and yes, they are on good terms again. Forgiveness is good for you, remember that.

  • Anonymous

    >Bringing up Rihanna can easily divide a room between those who think she didn’t adequately step up as a role model for victims of domestic violence and those who think it was never her responsibility to do so.
    “NICE” DISREGARD FOR THE FACT THAT SHE IS A NEGRO.

    ALSO, HOW IS BEING BEATEN SOMETHING TO “PRIDE OVER”, OR SOMETHING THAT DESERVES “ADMIRATION”, OR “EMULATION” FROM THIRD PARTIES?

  • Anonymous

     >Bringing up Rihanna can easily divide a room between those who think she didn’t adequately step up as a role model for victims of domestic violence and those who think it was never her responsibility to do so.

    “NICE”
    DISREGARD
    FOR
    THE
    FACT THAT SHE IS A NEGRO.

    ALSO,
    HOW IS BEING BEATEN SOMETHING TO “PRIDE OVER”, OR
    SOMETHING THAT DESERVES “ADMIRATION”, OR “EMULATION”?

    • JEReich

      It is implied that the survival of her experience of domestic abuse is something of merit.  
      Also, you just used the term “negro”, so I have no qualms about pointing out the fact that you are a racist asshole.

      • Anonymous

        >
        It is implied that the survival of her experience of domestic abuse is something of merit. 

        HOW IS BEING BEATEN SOMETHING OF “MERIT”?

        SHE DID NOT DO ANYTHING; SHE DID NOT DEFEND HERSELF.

        SHE IS NOT DEAD BECAUSE HE DID NOT BEAT HER TO DEATH, NOT BECAUSE SHE DEFENDED HERSELF.

        EVEN IF SHE HAD PREVENTED HIM FROM BEATING HER, I DO NOT SEE HOW THAT WOULD BE SOMETHING “ADMIRABLE”, OR SOMETHING OF “MERIT”.

        >Also, you just used the term “negro”, so I have no qualms about pointing out the fact that you are a racist asshole.

        “RACIST”: ACKNOWLEDGING THE FACT THAT THERE ARE MANY DIFFERENT RACES OF HUMANS IN THE WORLD.

        “NEGRO”: BLACK.

        LEARN THE DEFINITION OF WORDS BEFORE USING THEM.

  • Anonymous

    you should do a ‘wife material’ article on cobie smulders (if you like her, of course)

  • https://thoughtcatalog.com/2012/updates-from-the-frightened-people-inside-rihannas-plane/ Updates From The Frightened People Inside Rihanna’s Plane | Thought Catalog

    […] it her 777 tour, Rihanna is taking these terrified hostages on a jaunt around the world that’ll take place over the […]

  • http://www.itmakesmestronger.com/2012/11/updates-from-the-frightened-people-inside-rihanna%e2%80%99s-plane/ Only L<3Ve @ ItMakesMeStronger.com

    […] it her 777 tour, Rihanna is taking these terrified hostages on a jaunt around the world that’ll take place over the […]

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