Insane Things I’ve Said To Romantic Partners

We’ve all been there. We mean to say something flattering or funny and it just comes off coo-coo bananas. In a romantic setting, this faux pas is ten times worse. No worries. Even James Bond, I’m sure, can’t be suave all the time. For us “normals,” it’s a whole uncharted ocean of trouble every time we open our mouths.

Along the lines of the talented Mr. Gondelman’s post about Insane Things He’s Said To Women, I have also not been the best at words when it comes to sealing the deal romantically. (As Steve Martin said, “Some people have a way with words and other people….uh, oh, not have way?”)

I date both sexes so this is a bucket of equal opportunity fail right here. Lock your doors. Barricade the windows. Neither gender is safe.

“Yeah, you don’t have a lot of Facebook pictures.”

When talking to someone you have a crush on, maybe don’t mention how you’ve looked through their Facebook photos with a fine-toothed comb. Even if they’re talking about how they don’t really use Facebook. You don’t have to help their case while torpedoing your own. Especially do not chime in by mentioning that you know they only have 45 Facebook photos. You’re helping everyone but yourself.

Now, have I said this exact sentence recently? Definitely. To a person’s face? Yep. And then tried to backtrack unsuccessfully? Most assuredly.

Bonus points for also throwing in: “You don’t have a Twitter either” if you want to complete looking like a massive creeper for all time.

“No, look, look, here’s the Wikipedia page for ‘Kobe Bryant sexual assault case.’ I told you it was real.”

This is one instance where it is completely okay not to win an argument with someone you’re trying to pick up at a bar.

Chinjury.

Speaking of picking people up, I’m not sure what crossed wires in my brain are connected to think that potential romantic partners will also LOVE puns but I am always certain of it in the moment. It is my go-to. For instance, I recently saw a girl at a bar with a band-aid on her face and in an attempt to chat her up, I leaned nearer and said, “I like your chinjury.”

CHINJURY. Come on, guys. That is an A+ portmanteau. So charming, right? How was she not swooning at that point? Mostly, she just said, “Uh, what?” and walked away. Maybe it’s one of those jokes that hits you later? Like in the shower? Sigh. Probably not.

“You and my dad have similar hands!”

Okay, yes. I love my dad. My dad and I are close. Ergo, I thought it would be complimentary to tell a guy I was dating that I thought he and my dad had similar hands. Looking back, I was basically a walking red flag.

In my defense, they were both former baseball players with slightly crooked fingers from their sportier days. See! Innocent! But said the way I did, out of context? Yikes. Yikes. Yikes.

“No, I want you to watch me straighten my hair.”

What I meant was, “It’s going to take me a while to do and I get bored. Would you mind terribly coming inside and talking to me while I straighten my hair?”

What I actually said seems like something a fetishist would ask of a specialty hooker.

“Ten Points To Gryffindor!”

Oh no? Oh yes. I said it right exactly when you would not have wanted me to say it. During a sex thing. I meant it to be flattering. I kind of maintain it was? The other person graciously laughed in my face, but continued to date me. Wicked!

“USA! USA!”

Oof. See above. TC mark

More From Thought Catalog

  • http://www.facebook.com/spencerlewin Spencer Lewin

    BOOOOOO

  • http://www.about.me/tanyasalyers Tanya Salyers

    10 points to Gryffindor!! :)

  • http://robvincent.net Rob T Firefly

    “Chinjury” is hilarious.

  • http://twitter.com/dangergirlOOO Jerri

    Awkwardness is sexy, screw the haters. (not literally. ew)

  • Gaby

    CHINJURY Oh my god. Why did that not work?!

  • Liz

    Re: your ’10 points to griffindor!’ faux-pas….
    Someone I was once hooked up with, lets call him Mr. Smith, said “score one for Team Smith!” after managing to get my bra off.  It’s my favorite ‘dating is awkward’ story in the world. Don’t worry about a slip up like that, it’s a gift that keeps on giving.

  • Shame hang

    I had one: “Forgive the wobbly bits.” while he was trying to ‘get it on’.

    Yeah. Because apologizing for your body is totally sexy. /headdesk

  • http://entropicalia.tumblr.com/ Alison

    And sometimes you find yourself talking to some dude about ebola kisses? Because nothing says sexy like viral hemorrhagic fever,  right? 

  • http://twitter.com/AngelMCastillo Angel Martí Castillo

    I guess it says a bit about me that these are things that if I heard a girl say, I would be MORE attracted to her. Then again, I think one of the sweetest things my girlfriend ever said to me was “If you were a chimp, I’d be the reason for AIDS.”

  • Hibby

    I have once yelled “Take a picture, it lasts longer!” at the really cute guy who was trying to get my attention at job and then the poor thing got all embarrassed and avoided me for months. I was honestly just trying to diffuse the tension and be ~flirty with him, but I guess everything sounds better in my brain.. Especially considering the fact that I wouldn’t know how to flirt even if my life depended on it!

  • Sophia

    ohhhh I totally told a guy once that he reminded me of my dad. Definitely totally weirded him out. Worst idea ever.

  • Sweetpea9852

    chinjury…LMAO. like really? hilarious. 

  • http://dirtyyoungmen.wordpress.com/ Maxwell Chance

    I was leaving my girlfriend-at-the-time’s house after being turned down for sex. We had been together for a long time at this point (not long enough to make this statement acceptable) and not having sex wasn’t a big deal. As we leaned against my car, kissed and said goodbye, I said “Did you not want to have sex because you have to take a shit?” She didn’t like that. 

  • Andrew Rowland

    Literally told my wife (before we started dating): “if you don’t date me, i’m gonna kill myself”. Immediately afterward, I was like “holy shit! no. Not that case. That came out wrong” and fortunately we laughed (oh how we laughed), but seriously, I just really wanted her to date me. what the heck was wrong with her.

  • Anonymous

    I liked the harry potter reference but chinjury?Epic! 

  • Jake

    This article is incredibly cute… made me smile reading it.

  • FabStains

    I once told a guy (whilst making out with him): “I feel like your mother.” It was not a turn on.

  • Swg1993

    This cracked me up, most of these were more adorable than embarrassing. That may just be me though.

  • Guest

    oh godddd i’ve done the dad one!! but i’ve also been told the mum one. 
    i guess that shows we were both socially inept. yay..

  • _db

    I loved this. For the record, “chinjury” is AWESOME. good for you. her loss :p

  • Guest

    Yeah this kid in high school always used to say “TEN POINTS TO GRYFFINDOR!!” when he came and I STILL think it’s glorious years later soooo…

  • Lavendrlady23

    I once told a guy mid drunk sexy times who said I looked bored “I’m sorry I was thinking about Disneyland”…. you just don’t come back from that….

  • Gsandeman

    I once mumbled while half asleep “i love you as big as the sun” to the guy I’d only just started seeing. I was completely mortified but we’ve been together for 4 years now.. So it worked out ok.

    • cyan

      that’s cute!

  • http://sosaysjessi.tumblr.com/ Jessi Smith

    Plenty of other people have already said this, but I’m in agreement about the chinjury comment. I would have developed an insta-crush on such awkward wit.

  • Ampwyo

    In the middle of heavy drunken makeout with a korean girl for whom English was a distant second language, she whispers in my ear “I want your thing inside me.” … “Thing” has to be the least sexy choice of words ever.

    • Peach

      “pee pee” or “wee wee” would be up there.

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