Thought Catalog

I Want You

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I’m so into you it makes me mash my teeth together. It makes me wring my hands. It makes me sweat.

I’m so into you I think about you all the time: sometimes you’re touching me, sometimes we’re talking, sometimes you’re just walking around doing nothing in particular. I’m so into you I have dirty thoughts when you’re fully clothed, and doing something innocuous like sitting on the couch or flossing your teeth or tying your shoes. I’m so into you I want to know everything about your past — the cities you lived in, the jobs you had, the bands you played in, the siblings you fight with, the people you slept with.

I’m so into you I do nothing but stare at you when I’m with you and I know you’re talking because I’m soaking up every word but I’m also looking at your mouth, your eyes, your neck, your hair, your ears, your fingers. I am so into you that while I’m doing that staring, I am trying to find some flaw — just one — something that would make you unattractive to me, that would end this insanity I’ve been forced into feeling — and I can’t find anything, except the way your shirt rides up a little in the front so I can see your stomach and the way your hands move like they’d feel amazing on my back and then I’m just mashing my teeth again and trying to seem like nothing’s happening.

_____

“It’s like, I understand that some people are objectively attractive. Symmetrical faces or nice hair or ‘good’ bodies, right? But then I’m just like, ‘Yeah, okay. They’re good looking. Meh.’ I don’t care. And then I’ll see someone with like, that one thing I can not resist and it’s not even a thing most people would find attractive. Maybe it’s gray hair or dark eyebrows or a certain type of smile. Most people would go, ‘Really? That?’ Meanwhile, I am on fire. On fire. I want them so, so, so badly. It runs so deep I feel it in my bones and it can only be quieted by touching them. It’s like someone lit a flame in my stomach and it’s spreading up to my heart and my throat.”

“Wow.”

“So anyway. That’s how I feel.”

“Wow.”

“I’m not worried though. It’ll die down.”

“Yeah. Fires usually do.”

_____

When someone you want really badly rejects you (for any number of reasons), is it bad form to throw a legit old school 1950s kid-with-a-lollipop-and-helicopter-beanie temper tantrum? Can you just get down on the floor and slam your fists on the pavement and kick your legs and yell, “But, but, but, I WANT IT. Why can’t I have what I waaaant?”

_____

“It’s not all bad,” she says, sitting across from me outside on a wooden bench while we drink our light beers. “At least, you’ll definitely be writing more.”

_____

When I was in middle school, I had a huge crush on Justin Timberlake. I saw ‘Nsync in concert three times. Each time, I would conjure my favorite fantasy which was that somehow, during the concert, time would stop and everyone would freeze — except me. And I could walk between the frozen crowd to the stage, go up to a still Justin and touch his hair.

Then, I would climb down from the stage, get back to my spot in the audience and unfreeze the world without anyone knowing what I’d done.

_____

It’s lust, not love right? So it’s not really meant to last. It has to end, this intensity can’t sustain itself. It’s too bright, it’s too strong, it’s too much. Especially if nothing can happen between the people involved — if, so to speak, the seeds can’t get any water or sunshine or air.

Like a hypochondriac suffering from some unknown malady, I Google, “How long can lust last?” as I chew my cuticles. (All I do is think about touching you.)

One site tells me that the reason I’m on fire is because my brain signaled a hormone and chemical release when I saw their dirty sneakers and cute little fingernails and the crinkle next to their eyes when they grin, etc etc. It’s testosterone, oxytocin and vasopressin and dopamine flowing through my veins and somehow that manifests in wanting to lick your neck from your shoulder to your ear until you melt or feel your hands pulling in my hair. According to science, who is being very optimistic about the potential between a luster and a lust-ee, the chemical mix “bathes your lover and you.” Another site says it could last up to 18 months, chemically speaking. This infatuation is a long-term illness.

“I’m sorry to say this, but you have …a crush.”

“Oh god, no. Say it ain’t so. How long do I have left, doctor?”

“18 months… or well, until you can rip their underwear off with your teeth.”

_____

Left unchecked, lust is like a tornado, tearing up houses and cows and trailer trucks and feelings and decisions and love with no path, no direction, no home. When you want someone you can’t have, sometimes you think you can just replace them with people you can have, or porn, or ice cream or comic books or anything.

In the mean time, though — and in my experience — it’s like treating an injury that needs to heal; A really unfair injury that you didn’t ask for and can’t control and that might flare up in the future and that you don’t even want to feel.

Take some Advil, elevate your lust and put an icepack on your genitals. Wrap your wanton desire up in an ACE bandage so no one can see it. Limp a little, if you have to, but unfortunately, like with any injury: you still have to walk around. TC mark

image – Gyopi_K
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Love a soft person. The ones who are positive, even in the worst of circumstances. Someone whose strength is not in bravado, but in their quiet. Someone who is strong for others because that is what is needed in that moment. Someone who is the moon that soothes instead of the sun that burns. Someone who sees the very best in people even when you think they aren’t worth it. The kind of person who always wants to do the best for those they love.”

“I bought this on a whim to read as I was resting for the night, and I do not regret it one bit! Everything about the poetry in this book is amazing, heart breaking, and soul searching. It will lift your spirits on your darkest days. I want to thank the author so much for writing this, as it’s something I will be rereading a lot! Always remember, everything about you is important. You matter.” —McKayla

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More From Thought Catalog

  • http://twitter.com/misterdisco Ben Breier

    I was going to say something less succinct, but this is just fucking fantastic.

  • legit

    Ugh I can’t stand how this is so relevant. 

  • http://twitter.com/Bleak_Angelique Angelique

    THIS IS JUST WHAT I NEEDED. <3

  • Anonymous

     This was pure genius!

  • Nika

    I could feel the intensity while reading.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1271070228 Megan Nicole

    ” I am so into you that while I’m doing that staring, I am trying to find some flaw — just one — something that would make you unattractive to me, that would end this insanity I’ve been forced into feeling — and I can’t find anything, except the way your shirt rides up a little in the front so I can see your stomach and the way your hands move like they’d feel amazing on my back ”

    Wow, this is almost creepy how this has been taken pretty much word for word from my own head…

  • Nishant

    The guilty undertaker sighs!

    • fp

      I wasn’t born to lose you

    • http://twitter.com/AmyBarkham Amy Barkham

      the lonesome organ grinder cries!

      • Nishant

        the silver saxophone says i should refuse you!

  • Liz

    Gaby this is incredible. You can make this into a short film if you ask me. 

  • LR_IWantYouBad

    First section and second to last section. Chills. 

  • appl3

    BRILLIANT!

  • http://www.about.me/tanyasalyers Tanya Salyers

    So intense!

  • Seth McIntyre

    I’ve never commented on TC before, but I just want to say how brilliant this is.
    DAMMIT I’M SMILING LIKE CRAZY NOW

  • http://twitter.com/emilcDC Emil Caillaux

    “I’m not worried though. It’ll die down.”
    “Yeah. Fires usually do.”

    What do you do if they don’t?

    • Anonymous

      IT’S ALL THE WORST.

      • TheDrunkenPolitician

        what if the fire is for Gaby Dunn…?

      • tiana

        then having the name drunken politician would probably be a turn off for her

      • Anonymous

        Get in line. 

      • http://twitter.com/emilcDC Emil Caillaux

        Sigh.

  • Ohai

     OHGOD.

  • Michelle

    This is EXACTLY how I feel right now, expressed far more eloquently than I ever could have. 

  • http://twitter.com/Amphx AnnamariaPhilippeaux

    This was stunning. I love your style, it’s so refreshing.

    • Anonymous

      Thanks! I used to write fiction in this style, but it seems to be working pretty well for nonfiction too. I will keep it up!

  • http://twitter.com/y0c4 Christian Frost

    You have snatched a bit, just a bit of the most indefinite of emotions while at the same time balancing it with the fire of your experience

  • Nina

    sigh….story of my life.

  • Guest

    Wow. I’m going through this right now at work. I lust for this guy most girls wouldnt look twice at and think as a low life loser. Myself, on the other hand… the second I see him my mind is consumed with perverse thoughts and I lose all sense of reality. I can’t even speak full coherent sentences to him. Its bizzarre where this intense attraction is coming from.

  • JT

    So I guess have a new favourite writer here! “Something is going to happen” may be favourite of yours so far but this was gorgeus as well.  I want more!

  • Anonymous

    Filing a restraining order against Thought Catalog because they keep stalking my brain -_-
    Loved this. It, as per usual, explained everything in my mind so beautifully.

  • Kirsten

    Oh god. I have that one thing lust lol. The part where there’s that one thing (sometimes you don’t even realize what it is) but it causes instantaneous attraction. Like red hair with brown eyebrows on guys. I don’t know it just does it for me

    • Anonymous

      Girrrrrl. I feel that. I’ve got a real eyebrow situation too.

  • Hannah

    oh my god. oh my god. someone understands me. OH MY GOD. oh my god. a lust crush is the fucking worst thing in the fucking world. the worst thing. i’m experiencing it right now. he’ll be gone to france in a week, and hopefully out of sight = out of mind. is that true??? tell me it’s true. i cannot keep thinking about this even when we don’t even share the same continent anymore omfg. but what about like fantasies where i move to france and eiouwbnrwocdqjnwibrv someone bleach my brain.

    • Borisa

      out of sight = out of mind – not true! my crush has been gone since September and have not seen him since then and its still as strong as it was at the begining. so sorry to tell you, but NO, its not true :) you have to bear it even though he is on a different continent.
      mine is 1000km far from me, have only had several calls (business) and thats it. I am still on fire whenever an email (business again) arrives from him… its hard on one hand, but beautiful on the other one.

  • Anonymous

    OH MY GOD. Not only is the subject matter completely relevant to my existence, I completely identify with the writing style. I love it, I love it, I love it.

    You writer, are amazing. 

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Taylor-Toth-Joseph/100000346421391 Taylor Toth-Joseph

    “…unfortunately, like with any injury: you still have to walk around…” I really like that one.

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