Wife Material, Vol. 1: Jennifer Lawrence

So I know Chelsea Fagan has Husband Material on lock, but I could be silent no longer as the arrows of lust bounded from the quiver of my bosom. Guys. It’s time we had “Wife Material” and it’s time that first wife was Queen of Everything Jennifer Lawrence. I am in love. She’s smoking hot: gorgeous hair, stunning face, tiny waist and round hips, which as any rapper knows, is ideal. (Anyone hating on her body in Hunger Games is blind and the worst. Step. Off.) Did you see the red dress she wore to the 83rd Academy Awards? Bombshell. She’s also effin’ hilarious. In interviews, she’s candid and smart and self-deprecating and self-aware. Also, I just watched Winter’s Bone on Netflix Instant and she’s such a good actress and oh god, just marry me please.

Name: Jennifer Lawrence

Age: 21

Occupation: Actress, bucket of laughs, sarcastic wunderkind, somehow simultaneously sexy and adorable.

Description: Jennifer Lawrence came out of nowhere (okay, not really, but it seemed like it) with an Oscar nomination at 20, the second youngest person to be nominated in the Best Actress category, for her amazing performance in Winter’s Bone. She transitioned from tough girl living in the Ozarks to the alluring and seductive Mystique in the blockbuster X-Men: First Class (which I actually really enjoyed)! She then went back to her roots in a little movie called Like Crazy which premiered at Sundance 2011. Girl can act in everything! Next, she skyrocketed into the mainstream, playing strong heroine Katniss Everdeen in The Hunger Games franchise. So basically, she is flawless. Flaw. Less.

Benefits to Marriage: You get to have sex with Jennifer Lawrence. Did you see that Madrid El Hormiguero interview where she fired a bow and arrow while wearing high heels? I popped twelve boners and I don’t even have one boner. Beyond the superficial, she just seems like the coolest person. She flails around, is quick with jokes, doesn’t censor herself and just is a “real” girl instead of a typical Hollywood starlet. (She called herself a “troll” on camera, so she doesn’t seem to get how pretty she is.) If you married her, she’d be an awesome person to hang out with for the rest of your life. It’d be a chill, hilarious marriage.

Drawbacks: She’s got an Oscar nomination at age 21 — and sometime during your marriage, she’ll probably win that little golden statue. If you don’t have much going on in your life, marrying Jennifer Lawrence, and having a row of awards in your house that aren’t for you, might make you feel totally lazy and inadequate. She also wears heels that regularly make her co-star Josh Hutcherson look itty-bitty on the red carpet and she does not have any f-cks to give. If you’re insecure about that kind of thing, kindly exit stage left. You may want to give marrying Jennifer a second thought if you’re an animal rights activist too — she famously told PETA to screw after they protested her skinning a dead squirrel in Winter’s Bone, saying she was acting and it was necessary for the movie. Don’t be surprised if marrying Jennifer, who doesn’t seem to have a filter, comes with controversy.

You Must Be: Fun, funny, witty, relaxed, ready to roll with the punches, comfortable with yourself (she got naked the first time she ever met Zoe Kravitz), open to honest conversations with no brain filter, and physically fit. (Girlfriend trained hard to be in The Hunger Games and there are two more movies, so don’t be out of shape if you want to keep up with your wife.)

The Dowry Jennifer Brings: Infinite golden strands of hair woven from pure silk, a barrel of laughs, a future Oscar statue, zillions of Hunger Games fans, two awesome boobs and one even awesomer personality. Plus, if you’re down with both genders, she brings along boyfriend Nicholas Hoult, which…not bad. Not bad indeed. TC mark

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  • vA

    She’s been number one on my “Wife Her Out” list for a while now.

  • Guest

    This.

  • http://twitter.com/homsar315 Ali G

    A millions times YES

  • http://twitter.com/emilcDC Emil Caillaux

    Wholeheartedly agree.  Also, “I popped twelve boners and I don’t even have one boner” – awesome.

  • Nicole

    This girl really is the best. I’m not looking for a wife, but I think she’d fill the BFF opening in my life rather perfectly. How fun would it be to kick it with her on a daily basis? 

    • Sara

       I totally agree! 

  • Josh Gondelman

    Your boner ratio seems about right.
    It’s very southern of you to talk about wifing up a 21-year-old, though!
    Nice work, Dunn.

    • Anonymous

      Look at those birthing hips, Gondelman.

      • Josh Gondelman

        God, who even are you?
        Although I did have this thought last night:
        “Is that lady pregnant? If she’s not, is it okay for me to tell her I want to get her pregnant?”
        That felt like the final exam at Rob Delaney finishing school.

  • Guest

    While I have a major girl crush on Jennifer Lawrence I believe when she said she was a troll she didn’t mean how she looks. She meant like internet trolling….get it?

    • Anonymous

      The one I saw, she was talking about seeing herself on screen and how it made her uncomfortable and then referred to herself as “a troll.” :(

  • Brononymous

    CHELSEA FAGAN IS A PRINCESS

    • Anonymous

      SOMEONE FINALLY GETS ME

  • Guestropod

    You can pop as many boners as you can afford down at the sexy store 

  • http://twitter.com/robwoh Robert Wohner

    My buddy texted me after he saw the Hunger Games. He said, “Rob, I’m in love.” I got really defensive. Just as this article makes me. 

    • Anonymous

      Sorry to talk about your girlfriend this way!

      • http://twitter.com/robwoh Robert Wohner

        No, no. No need to apologize.  I only get frustrated when I know she deserves better. I just want her to be happy. 

        Oh well, guess I’ll have to reconcile with Jordin Sparks. 

  • Anonymous

    THIS ARTICLE SPEAKS TO ME SO. But I called dibs first. Me!!!

    But well, I guess good things gotta be shared. Toss you for who gets to worship at the altar of the Lawrence first?

  • beatrice

    Nicholas hoult? From skins? Darn I would never see any actor from that show in the same way.

  • Anonymous

    I fell in love after I heard her candidly talk on national television about how her older brothers would rub peanut butter on her face and then lock her in the basement with their family dogs. Now I want to drink whiskey and swap crazy sibling stories with her. 

  • Michaelwg

    meh.

  • pnut

    Yes to everything. 

  • Anonymous

    The moment I feel in love with Jennifer Lawernce is when she stopped an interview to lean over so her hair was in front of the animated fire backdrop behind her and she said, “Does it look like my head is on fire?” 
    Marry me. 

  • Anonymous

    “JENNIFER LAURENCE”?

    MORE LIKE: “YES, A GIANTESS”.

    SHE IS OVERWEIGHT & HOMELY.

    SHE EXEMPLIFIES HOW ADVERTISEMENT OF “SOMETHING” BY THE MEDIA HAS A STRONG IMPRESSION ON “WEAK MINDS” REGARDLESS OF THAT “THING’S” QUALITIES/ATTRIBUTES.

    WILLOW SHIELDS IS OVERLY BEAUTIFUL BUT SINCE SHE IS NOT THE PROTAGONIST OF “THE HUNGER GAMES”, AND HER SCREENTIME IN THAT “MOVIE” WAS APPROXIMATELY OF TEN MINUTES, SHE GETS RELATIVELY FEW ATTENTION.

    • Short

      Ideally, it’s to the left of the “A” key. It should be labeled “Caps Lock”.

    • Sarah

      Uh, Willow Shields is like 13… 

    • Guest

      overweight and homely? are you seeing the same picture of the hottie in the red dress? USE YOUR EYES, BRO.

  • Kat

    Jennifer Lawrence and I are already married in my head.

    So back off.

    Or everyone will know what excellent wife material she is and I’d rather everyone keep beating off to the SI swimsuit models or whatever so I can keep her gorgeous face, figure, and personality all to myself.

    That said, Miss Dunn you seem pretty attractive yourself so maybe you, me, and Jennifer Lawrence could have one big fat happy lesbian polyamorous marriage.
    ?

  • http://twitter.com/gypzAndy AndreaCarmona

    Yes! I always wanted to be her or at least her BFF… but Wife! Oh my. 

  • Elle

    Yep, I would go gay for J-Law. I’d even settle for being in the friend zone with her.

  • http://twitter.com/shoshkabob Shosh

    I like men and I’d marry J Law.

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