Things I Would Do If My Name Were “Benedict Cumberbatch”

Benedict Cumberbatch is the star of the BBC show Sherlock and also of this one reoccurring dream I have where we ride unicorns off into the rainbow mist and make out under a shooting star.

The hilarious Meghan O’Keefe of the Huffington Post referred to this sweeping Cumberbatch panty-twisting fever as a full-on situation. It is. Tumblr can barely contain itself from gif-ing his every expression and witticism. We’re in the middle of a glorious Internet Cumberbatch revolution.

But more than the dulcet tones of his caramel voice or his razor sharp Tilda Swinton cheekbones, Benedict Cumberbatch has a really funny name. It’s memorable, it’s ridiculous, I can’t get enough of hearing it. Here are some things I would do, if Benedict Cumberbatch was my name:

  1. Open a trendy bakery called “Benedict’s Cumber-Batches of Crumpets.”
  2. Found an independent security firm called “The Cumberwatch.”
  3. Order a complicated coffee drink at Starbucks and give the poor barista my full name to call out.
  4. Tell people I was in Harry Potter…as myself.
  5. Yell my own name whenever I sneeze or say “Benedict Cumberbatch you” to someone else who’s sneezed.
  6. Name my firstborn child “Quidditch Cumberbatch.”
  7. Start a rumor that if you say my name three times in a row while looking into a darkened mirror, I show up at your house.
  8. Check out library books and write my name in all of them with a different year ranging from 1860 to present day.
  9. Whenever someone calls anything “cumbersome,” punch them in the face and yell, “Cumbersome? Cumber-all! Cumberbatch!”
  10.  Instead of asking the time, walk around asking people what year it is. Then say, “Sorry. My name is Benedict Cumberbatch: Worldclass Time Traveler.” Then, run away flailing.
  11.  Seal every envelope with the red wax seal of the Cumberbatch crest: an eagle holding a Union Jack in one hand and giving the middle finger with the other.
  12.  Marry someone with the last name “Batchcumber” who wants to hyphenate.
  13.  Insult people by calling them “a real Benedick Cumbersnatch.”
  14.  Phone a big-time law firm and leave a very important, time sensitive message with an assistant. Hang up before I can spell my name for them.
  15.  Become a chef specializing only in a specific type of breakfast eggs.
  16.  Stab someone in the back and pretend I don’t understand the irony.
  17.  Open a novelty store where I only sell Victorian era portraits with my own name scrawled across the faces in Comic Sans MS.
  18.  Buy a pet falcon and name him “Benedict Cumberscratch.”
  19.  Hook up with a stranger and refer to my own pubes as “The Benethick Cumberthatch.”
  20.  Run for prime minister.
  21.  Shout ‘YOU JUST GOT CUMBERBATCHED, BITCH’ whenever I win an argument.
  22.  Become a famous actor. Force everyone to say my name all the time. TC mark
image – Sherlock


More From Thought Catalog

  • blanonymous

    This site is bullshit, now.

    • Anonymous

      Fair enough! Just trying to be cumber-silly.

  • blanonymous

    like, you guys should really stop trying to pass this shit off as writing

    • Anonymous

      Sorry you hate comedy! Don’t read silly lists then?

      • blanonymous

        once upon a time, thoughtcatalog was a place for eloquent, articulate, well-spoken “thoughts.” call me a literary conservative (sorry, gaby, for making you bear the brunt of this rant), but now, this site has become the xanga of the online literary world. shit’s weak and totally sans-gravitas. again, gaby, i apologize; i appreciate that you were just trying to have fun and be “silly” and admittedly, i am a bit drunk, but it just pains me to see something i once thought was a bastion of intelligent and trenchant literary dialogue degenerate to lists of name-based puns and half-assed pop culture commentary.


      • blanonymous

        srs drunk commenter is super srs~*

      • Anonymous

        Dude, I totally get it. But I really think there’s room for both. If you look back in the archives, the last piece I wrote for this site was about almost watching someone die. I don’t think anyone is always one way or the other. Sometimes people want intelligent – which they do get here – and sometimes they want silly. This is called “Thought Catalog” which I interpret to mean a place for all kinds of thoughts. There have definitely been pieces on the site with very intelligent literary commentary – most recently Kate Zambreno on Marie Calloway which I thought was incredibly well thought out and thought provoking. I don’t think mixing silly in with the deep ruins anything. More likely, you could just pick and choose which you wanted to read and in the end, the site is more diverse – a “catalog.”

      • blanonymous

        you’re right, gaby. i definitely consider the diversity of this site to be one of its few saving graces; perhaps the editors should update the “about” section and consider revising their mission statement. however, miss dunn, i would like to bestow upon you significant props, as you’re clearly experienced in dealing with not-so-constructive criticism in a markedly thoughtful and considerate manner. maybe my envy is showing, as i’ve more than once submitted pieces here to no avail. anyway, we cool, you’re not nearly as jive as i thought you’d be in your retort to my inebriated half-rantings.

      • Anonymous

        Absolutely no worries. You might be the first Internet commenter to ever say “You’re right, Gaby” to me possibly ever. I hope you hold that honor dear! We cool, definitely.

      • blanonymous

        hah, good shit.


        hit us up if you’re down with writing “srs” essays having to do with social commentary; we (i) won’t be nearly as drunk in our (my) consideration of your pieces.

      • Shawn

        Using “sans-gravitas” and ”
        admittedly, i am a bit drunk” in the same post kinda brings question to your credibility, doesn’t it?

      • blanonymous

        dude, you’re totally right. you win 1 internets.


    If I wrote this I’d quickly delete it before anyone saw it and begin thinking long and hard about whether writing and comedy really were ‘for me’. Maybe this is funny to Americans?

    • Anonymous

      Clever insult! I like it! But I do know 100 percent writing and comedy are both for me. Thanks anyway! Also, I am American.

      • Hawkes

        Wasn’t expecting a reply. I feel bad about criticising your writing on the back of one ‘silly list’. I guess number 9 did make me snigger a bit.

      • Anonymous

        You commenters are so cute. No worries! We cool.

    • Maja

      If I were you I would begin thinking long and hard whether I was born with any sense of humor (or any sense, for that matter). 

      PS – I’m not American, and I find this hilarious, witty and extremely intelligent. As are all her articles.

      GABYDUNN, love from Macedonia ;)

  • P.

    I fucking love Benedict Cumberbatch. That is all.

  • Ccrownlaurel

    I, for one, love it and got a good laugh, and I think those who’re giving you a hard time about it might be living rather sad and pretentious lives. :’) It’s the INTERNET for Chrissake! If you want something scholarly, go to a .gov or .edu. Or better yet, hit up an expansive library. ;)

  • CertifiedJatt

    I liked this. It had just the right amount of silliness and wit. Too much of either can be cumbersome, I mean, cumberbatch.

  • Anonymous

    #20…good call.  I would much rather he was the Prime Minister than the shiny headed moron we’ve got at the moment.  (Also, if you really love him you should watch Stuart: A Life Backwards he’s brilliant in it).

  • misskimball

    there was a boy called benedict in my class at school and for some reason he hit puberty years too early, like when we were ten or something. He used to show us his big ol dick quite a bit but it wasn’t creepy or even sexual, he just saw it as something he had that nobody else had, like a rare pokemon.

    Not strictly relevant but I thought I’d share

    • Paul S

      So did people call him BeneDICK?

    • Sunny D

       “like a rare pokemon” is the best simile ever.

  • quixotic

    hahahaha I love benedict cumberamazing (and sherlock!) and this may have just made my day.

  • guest

    you Cumberbitch you. 

  • rose georgia

    this article made me go ‘hurr hurr hurrr’ several times. this seems to be a new sort of laugh especially for b. cumberbatch esq.

  • Bd

    I adore Mr. Cumberbatch. That list is amazing. Maybe if I ever marry Mr. Cumberbatch, we can name our child Quidditch. 

  • Shawn


  • Anonymous

    Okay, I think I love you, you secret Cumberbitch you.

    • Anonymous

      Secret’s out!

  • Kyle Angeletti

    I particularly enjoy #5.

    Also, more ‘Sherlock’ related posts please. 

  • Soyoung Lim

    Let’s be best friends, and have weekly and/or daily fights about who loves Cumberbatch more.  Because lady, I gots a fever, and the only medicine is more Cumberbatch.

  • shuting l.

    God, I love this. Now I’m torn between wanting to BE him and wanting to cough… whatever.
    Sherlock/Ben on Thought Catalog. He is officially ‘a thing’.

  • Megan Patterson

    Even better: Get a KESTREL and name it Benedict Cumberscratch

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