1. The Birth of the British Royal Baby
Prince William actually bit that baby out of Kate Middleton’s womb, just like in the last “Twilight” movie—not because they’re both sexy were-vampires or anything, but just because royal people are pretty bored and fucked up and need to always up the ante on new, perverse thrills. You don’t even want to know about what went on in that kid’s circumcision ceremony (okay, one hint: nude prosecco waterboarding).
2. The New Pope’s Cool-ish Proclamations About Stuff
Our new “cool pope” is actually an actor– he’s a character being portrayed by Ian Ziering, best known for his work on the original “Beverly Hills 90210,” as well as the more recent “Sharknado.” I know you’re saying, “what is Ian Ziering getting out of making all these sorta liberal-ish proclamations about healing class divides and extending empathy to gay priests and stuff, while dressed as a pope, and nobody even knows that it’s Ian Ziering?” But it’s the same thing that Matthew McConaughey was doing when he signed on for “Dallas Buyers Club”—showing range! It’s about taking a really unique role and then making it your own, which I think Ziering’s doing a great job with here. Don’t be surprised if we find out that he’s anchoring the next season of AMC’s “Low Winter Sun”!
3. The Birth of Baby North West
Come on, you have to admit, that one was pretty fucking funny. Your parents joked to each other about doing that kind of shit when they were pregnant with you, only they chickened out at the last minute, and that’s why they have never recorded a universally acclaimed album of the year OR a critically-lauded stage show. It’s about having a vision and sticking to it, people!
4. Amanda Bynes’s Breakdown
Amanda Bynes’s entire life–from her years on “All That” through this year’s breakdown–have been a very sophisticated, very successful viral marketing campaign for the new season of “Duck Dynasty” (and, to a less extent, for ducks themselves).
5. Justin Bieber’s Wild Child Antics
Justin Bieber’s entire life will be revealed to have actually been the fevered daydream of a disturbed elementary school child staring yearningly at a snow globe– but that’s not going to come out anywhere in the mainstream press for another year or two (sources are waiting until his contract with Universal is up to confirm).
6. The Failure of Will Smith’s “After Earth”
This is as good a place as any to admit it: after an escalating series of drunken dares during a wild night out with M. Night Shymalan, I actually ended up having to write and direct “After Earth.” I had to do that, and then Night had to go to my day job every day for two months. We both had misgivings about the situation the next day, but I just really hate to back down from a bet—it makes me feel so weak. But anyway: sorry I did such a bad job with the movie, guys—I can’t even figure out how to sync my iPhone a lot of the time, so taking over the production of a high-budget sci-fi film was probably a mistake. Also, I had a pretty bad hangover most days of production, so I kind of just let Jaden Smith throw whatever he wanted in there. Also, I thought he was saying that the monsters lived by fighting you and consuming “your beer,” not “your fear.” You live, you learn, I suppose. But the good news is that M. Night did great at my day job, and was just promoted to associate accounts manager! He’s currently hiring for an assistant with 2+ years marketing experience and some SEO/ UX knowledge, so if you know any qualified candidates, please forward their resumes.