1. Eleven different pairs of pleather leggings, each slightly different from the others in ways that are nearly imperceptible to the casual viewer.
2. A fresh and nuanced take on Miley Cyrus.
3. A best friend that you can always go to with your problems, at any time.
4. The ability to instantly know whether the word you are trying to spell is “rogue” or “rouge.”
5. A second best friend that you can go to when your first best friend is acting all weird and blowing off your texts and saying some bullshit about being really busy with grad school, when everyone knows she’s hooking up with her ex who is married now and just in town on a business trip, LISA.
6. A complete set of commedia dell’arte masks, including “Scaramouche,” the ne’er-do-well clown.
7. A sunny, yet relaxed, outlook on life
8. The secret of Curly’s gold
10. A steampunk drawing of the Green M & M wearing leather-and-brass goggles and a bustle.
11. One gallon of milk (organic).
12. The special edition DVD of “Hansel and Gretel, Witch Hunters.”
13. A small, tasteful vintage hand bell or zither or something that you bought on Etsy and then put on a coffee table surrounded by dried flowers and holy shit it is so classy I am dying.
14. A small, walk-on part in the film version of the musical “Rent” that you don’t go around bragging about or anything, but it did happen, okay, it’s not bragging to just admit that.
15. A bridge
16. A different, slightly larger bridge, for special occasions.
17. A crossbow that Donald Sutherland autographed while on the set of “The Italian Job.”
18. Mastery over at least ONE element (earth, air, fire, water) OR a perfect SAT math score but definitely NOT BOTH (what, do you want to be single forever??)
19. Uranium ore.
20. Nelly Furtado’s phone number, for some reason.
21. Someone else’s children that you found unattended outside of a Rite-Aid–guess what, by law of eminent domain, they are YOURS now!
24. A decent Pinterest page that is fun and engaging and you don’t have to pressure all your friends to look at it and then get mad at them when they don’t, because it’s just a bunch of pictures of complicated braids that even you don’t fucking know how to do, LISA.
25. The special edition Blu-Ray of “Hansel and Gretel, Witch Hunters” (the deleted scenes are different).