Top 5 Episodes of “The X-Files” That I Made Up

The X-Files
The X-Files

5. “Ignatius”

When Mulder hears about the mysterious death of an intrepid reporter in the Australian Outback, he knows there can be only one culprit: a “drop bear,” the vicious, tree-dwelling, cryptozoological monstrosities who rain down murder from above onto unwary travelers. Sexual tensions heat up between Scully and Kirk Dudgler, a ruthless drop bear hunter who may know more than he is letting on. After several days of near misses, dangerous chases, and shocking revelations of a conspiracy that goes all the way to the top, Mulder and Scully realize that there are actually very few trees in the Outback, and also that the reporter died from a drug overdose.

4. “Ecce Homo”

When a dying child with second sight falls into the hands of a Satanic cult, only Mulder can save the day. Mulder does save the day, though when he gets home, he finds that his lights have been turned off because he forgot to pay his electric bill. The whole thing is very upsetting and kind of undoes whatever boost of self-esteem he got from that whole “saving a child” thing from before. He ends the episode in the dark, alone in his apartment, trying to eat all the food in his fridge before it spoils. Also, the dying child with second sight turned out to actually be the Loch Ness monster. One of the funny ones!

3. “L’Esprit de l’Escalier”

It turns out that the people who kidnapped Mulder’s sister also had something to do with…Waco, sure, why not.

2. “Ruben Sinclair’s Broad-Brimmed Hat”

When two university lab assistants, working the late shift inside a haunted castle, report the eerie sight of corpses coming to life and engaging in synchronized dance movements, Mulder and Scully are on the case. An aching triangle of sexual tension develops when Scully falls for both Dracula and his son, Teen Dracula. Clothes are shed. Things get weird. Mulder bangs a lady werewolf. What’s that I see over there–did someone bring some pharmaceutical-grade cocaine? In the end, everyone agrees that the soiree was a graveyard smash.

1. “Los Gordos”

The economy! That’s what’s really scary, right, folks? Ba-dum-CHA!

Oh, also, a powerful alien force abducts Scully again and assaults her brutally, traumatizing her deeply and permanently. One of the funny ones! TC mark

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