How to Move Out Of Your Last College Apartment

Flickr / Flickr / Dan DeLuca
Flickr / Flickr / Dan DeLuca

If you didn’t go to college in the middle of nowhere (either a liberal arts school where ultimate frisbee is everyone’s favorite pastime or a small Christian college where students are jerking it to photos of Michelle Bachmann), chances are you lived off campus at some point during the past four years. But now you’ve graduated, summer’s over, and it’s time to move into your first post-grad apartment. Whether it’s across the country or to the cheaper neighborhood six blocks away, you’re hit with the realization that in this place, it’s not going to be as socially acceptable to wake up on Sunday morning with spaghetti in your hair and that guy from your Social Theory class under your bed. This is a big transition, and here’s how to navigate it.

1. Look around your current apartment and realize you haven’t done laundry in a month. You probably want to move into this new place looking clean, or at least wearing underwear. Carry 18 pounds of laundry to the basement. Swear at the machine when it’s not working and then realize you tried to put a Canadian 50 cent coin in one of the quarter slots.

2. Go back upstairs and call your mom to ask for moving advice. When she starts telling you that you need to figure your life out and settle down, start crying uncontrollably. In between big, hiccupy tears explain what’s bothering you. (“I really really wanted that house in JP. Even if I said I didn’t. I just have a lot of feelings right now. I just tried jalapeno poppers for the first time yesterday and they were SO good and then I started thinking about all the other hundreds of jalapeno poppers that I missed out on over my lifetime and it’s making me SO sad.”)

3. End phone call laugh-crying. Wipe snot off face. Search cabinets for alcohol. Find low-quality vodka, pour some on ice, curl up in window seat reading Garden of Eden, which Hemingway wrote about Zelda Fitzgerald. Hey, at least I’m not as crazy as this bitch, amiright?

4. Best friend who is moving hours away comes over with wine to “help you pack.” Remember when you and your high school boy/girlfriend left for college and you thought it was the saddest long-distance relationship you would have to live with? Wrong. This is worse, because you can comfortably fart in front of this person.

5. Order Chinese food. Spend four hours watching The League and eating scallion pancakes.

6. Realize you’ve left your laundry in the dryer. Go downstairs. Half your clothes are shrunken beyond belief and half are still damp. How the fuck is that even possible? Pile everything into a big box. There, that counts as packing, right?

6. Go back upstairs to continue eating Chinese food. Start discussing all the exotic pets you’re going to buy for your new apartment (i.e. teacup pigs, miniature horses). Decide what you definitely want is a fennec fox and show that photo to your best friend. Spend an hour drinking wine and looking at Zooborns.

7. Moving is so stressful! I just wish I had someone to commiserate with! Everyone you know is going through the same process right now, but you text your ex-boyfriend anyways. Next thing you know, you’re throwing emoticons into the conversation and inviting yourself over to see his new apartment.

8. Watch the Nicki Minaj and Rhianna video on repeat until your best friend has to leave. Think about putting freshly-washed sheets on the bed, but what’s the point?

9. Wake up at 6 AM wrapped up like a burrito in your mattress pad with 95% of your belongings yet to be packed. TC mark

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  • Guest

    had potential, but…

  • jess

    everything about this is what i just experience in the past 36 hours.

  • Sarah

    Uh, no such thing as a Canadian 50c coin.

    • RCM

      They akshully do exist, but aren’t really circulated.

      Bests,

      The Royal Canadian Mint

      • a.

        Normally I’m not a grammar nazi, but actually*

        Wow.

      • shainanana

        joke much?  have you never used poor grammar intentionally to poke fun?

  • HMCROBER

    Canadian 50 cent piece? Are you retarded?

    • Jungle.Gym
      • Anonymous

        What’s your point? HMC never said they didn’t exist. It’s a coin that is rare and not circulated. It’s not even the same size of a quarter.

        It was a lame attempt at joke.

    • Danny

      Before being so rude and arrogant, you should probably double check what you’re saying. Otherwise you end up looking retarded.  Just saying.

      • HMCROBER

        Actually, I used the proper term for the coin, it’s so rare and un-used in regular coin circulation that “50 cent piece” is the proper way to refer to it. 
        It was a terrible “joke” for the author to make for many reasons:
        – Canadian and American QUARTERS are the same size, and I find an American quarter in my change often enough, just as I’m sure American’s find Canadian coins in theirs
        – Both Canadian and American quarters work interchangeably in machines 
        – A Canadian 50 cent PIECE is much larger than a quarter – you’d have to be an idiot not to notice that your one “quarter” was on steroids when compared to the others….
        -Canadian 50 cent pieces are kept as memorabilia or used at special events, like at the coin toss before an important hockey game. Never, ever, ever will you be handed one in your change from Tim Hortons.
        In closing, I think you were trying to make the point that I looked retarded for not knowing what a Canadian 50 cent “coin/piece” was… In fact, I know so much more about it than you that now YOU look like a self-righteous Thought Catalog hall monitor. 
        Kthx. 

      • Guest

        DOES THIS REALLY MATTER? 

      • Guest

        DOES THIS REALLY MATTER? 

      • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=500654073 Kevin Kelly Kenkel

        i’m just going to go ahead and say Canadian QUARTERS do not work with American QUARTERS in American WASHING MACHINES. 

        go back to canada

  • mashka

    hah unfortunately I can relate to all of this right now. Moving/packing sucks so much

  • berna fett

    “8. Watch the Nicki Minaj and Rhianna video on repeat
    until your best friend has to leave. Think about putting freshly-washed
    sheets on the bed, but what’s the point?”

    Maybe add “learn how to spell Rihanna” to your list?

    • TO

      go away

  • Steven

    This hit a little close to home. Especially the jalapeno poppers. Super silly!

  • http://twitter.com/BrandonIsaacson Brandon Isaacson

    Funny!

  • Justin

    This is so funny!  I can’t stop laughing.  I’d love to read more from you!

  • Anonymous

    Ugh, so basic. Not funny at all.

  • Guest

    have you ever been to Canada?! we don’t have 50 cent coins

    • Gabriella

      No I have not, Canadian mystery guest. I really want to. I mean that sincerely.

    • Kennneth Gibson

      Actually, they do exist shithead, they just aren’t minted very often. 

  • Guest

    Hilarious! This is awesome and people are clearly missing the humor of the piece. Perhaps you can write something about how ridiculous people who comment on these things are? I mean really, people, do you have nothing better to do than discuss the details of currency? Maybe this is why Canadians are the butt of so many jokes?

  • Anonymous

    lnk.co/HLPWB

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1363230138 Michael Koh

    scallion pancakes do it for me. and fuck fennec foxes. arctic foxes ftw

  • anon

    This is kind of like that article from a couple months ago… “How to be a Nascent, Whiny Loser”!

  • Meghan

    shutup everyone; this is fucking hilarious (and sadly so relatable)

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