You went on vacation for a few weeks, and I could barely bring myself to tell you I missed you. I don’t fill you in on what was happening in my life. I wait by my phone for updates on what you’re doing, but I don’t share whats happening with me. I keep telling myself that I’m not telling you things because I want you to focus on your vacation and not on me. And that’s true but, it goes deeper than that.
As the days passed things kept happening, and all I wanted to do was tell you about my day. I wanted to tell you about what I did with my cousins, or how my family keeps asking how you are doing. I wanted to tell you about the film shoot. I even wanted to tell you about the guy who complimented my hair. I just want to tell you all the big and small things that happened the way I do when you are here.
And when I couldn’t it got me thinking. Overthinking.
I don’t know how to let people in. It’s something I struggle with constantly, and I think that you going away made me realize how much I’ve let you in and how much I care. And while I love that, it’s scary. Actually, it’s terrifying.I’m scared that if I show any signs of weakness, if I show that I need you, you will think I’m clingy or needy or weak, and you’ll leave.
That’s not on you, not even a little bit. That’s on me. You have never shown me any indications that that’s how you would react. But I have so little trust in people that it’s hard to convince my mind that I actually can trust you. That you’re one of the good ones. My heart knows it, but my mind is a little more logical. You’ve told me before that I can ask you to be there for me. The problem is I don’t even know how to ask.
I told you I missed you, that I missed sharing things with you. That was my way of telling you I need you. The thing is I didn’t even want anything in return. I just wanted you to know that I like sharing things with you and having you in my life. As soon as I said it I freaked out. I was sure that it would be too much for you.
All along I had been telling you to enjoy your trip and not think about what’s waiting at home for you, and then I tell you I miss you. It felt so selfish to me, like I was only thinking of my own needs. I spent all day with my stomach in knots because I felt guilty.
I forget that sometimes it’s okay to be selfish. That it’s okay to need people. I’m trying to learn how to deal with that, because I don’t want to push you away. Will I scare you off if I tell you I need you? I don’t think I will. But I’m so used to people leaving when I show any signs of weakness, and I don’t know if I could handle that happening with you.
Last week I got on camera and took on one of my biggest fears head on. And all I want is to tell you about that and share it with you. I want you to know that I was brave, and I was the person I want to be. I envied that girl, I wished that I could be her all the time. I don’t want to overthink telling you I miss you, that girl wouldn’t.
So here is to trying to stop that. Here is to facing my fears and letting myself be needy sometimes. Here is to being authentically me even if that means I am not strong all the time. Here is to trying to listen to my heart.
Here is to you. I miss you. Come home soon.