I moved from one relationship to another very quickly a few months ago. I know that most people probably thought I was crazy. At the time I did too.
It couldn’t be a good sign moving on so quickly, could it?
Every breakup is painful, whether it’s one sided or mutual. It doesn’t matter, it always hurts. Saying goodbye to someone who was a staple in your life is always hard. Even if it was a flawed relationship it still hurts to leave it. This was no different.
There were so many flaws in our relationship, but it still hurt to end it.
It hurt to say goodbye and walk away from you. I knew it was what had to be done, you made that clear. But it still hurt. You had become such an important person in my life over the course of a few months and then you were gone.
Everything about our relationship was intense from day one. It went from 0 to 100 very quickly. And then it went from 100 right back to 0. It was 2 months of a non-stop emotional rollercoaster, and then it was over. Had someone said to me that night we broke up that I would be in a relationship just a few weeks later
I would have laughed in their face. I was sure you broke me. How was ever going to trust anyone ever again. I pondered that question over and over. But luckily, I didn’t actually have much time to think about it.
I’ll let you in on a little secret, sometimes I think my sister is my guardian angel. She knew exactly what I needed. She knew that if she tried to set me up so soon after I would say no. So she engineered it to happen without me even really realizing what was happening. And thank god she did.
I didn’t have time to fully process our breakup right after it happened because I was quickly being swept up in a new relationship. From day one there were very noticeable differences. From the start it was clear that this was a much healthier dynamic for me. It took getting used to, things were moving at a normal pace and I didn’t know how to deal with that.
I was so used to everything being so intense all the time that I didn’t know how to deal with it not being like that. It was hard for me to live in the moment and not always anticipate when the storm would hit. It took a lot of getting used to. But I did get used to it.
Slowly I started letting myself be happy and enjoy what was happening. I was happy, happier than I can remember being in a long time. And that was so scary for me, I kept waiting for the other shoe to drop.
But it still hasn’t. I’m learning that sometimes you are allowed to just be happy and enjoy the moment. I’m not constantly worried about what comes next.
Sometimes I worry that I’m too comfortable in this relationship. Someone asked me the other day if I worried about us breaking up, and honestly I don’t. I’m not caught up on the future, but I’m happy where we are now, and it’s hard for me to picture that changing. Things feel right the way they are going now, and who am I to mess with that.
It recently occurred to me that the reason I am able to be so happy and comfortable in our relationship now is because I moved from one relationship to the next so quickly. I was talking with a friend of mine and as we were discussing this it dawned on me. Had I had time to really process our breakup fully I don’t think I ever would have been able to fully trust someone again. You shattered my trust, and had I had time to focus on that I never would have been able to let him in. But because I let him in before I had fully processed it, he has shown me time and time again that I can trust him. That not everyone out there will hurt me. There are good guys too.
And yes that means that sometimes I still get hit with a wave of hurt when I think about how and why things ended between us. Because it still hurts, it probably will for a while. But dealing with it while simultaneously learning that not everyone will hurt you has been a very healing process.
Because of the way things worked out you didn’t get to hold me back from moving on. In fact, quite the opposite. I’ve subconsciously found myself testing him, and every time he proves to me that I have nothing to be worried about. That he is someone I can trust.
So, some people might judge me for moving on so quickly, and if that’s how they feel, so be it. But I won’t judge myself for it because the fact that it happened made it possible for me to end up where I am. It made it possible for me to fall for him. And no matter where things take us I will never regret that.