You used to ask me how I dealt with you, how I put up with you weirdness. And I used to tell you it was because I liked you and therefore I liked all the parts of you. And I think at the time I really believed that. I put up with you because I wanted to and that meant that I accepted all your weirdness. I didn’t acknowledge or make a big deal out of things that bothered me. I swept it all under the rug because it was easier.
I didn’t want to fight with you or make you mad so I didn’t. I put you before myself every single time. I got so caught up doing that that I forgot that I am allowed to have needs to. I put you on a pedestal and forgot my own worth.
When I care about someone I care about them with everything I have, and you were no exception. I wanted to make you happy, and I wanted to make you believe in love again. I really thought I could be the one to change things for you. And I got caught up in that fantasy.
The problem is relationships aren’t a fantasy. They take work and they can’t be perfect all the time. And I’m not perfect. I told you from the beginning that I wasn’t perfect and would never be your fairytale princess. I’m awkward and clumsy and I say the wrong things, but that’s all part of who I am and I won’t apologize for that.
But I didn’t stick up for myself either. When you would point out things that bothered you I would just take it. I convinced myself that you were right, I was wrong, and it was affecting our relationship. I started believing that I was the problem. And I didn’t want us to have problems so I tried to fix myself.
But I didn’t need fixing. Somewhere along the way I forgot to have self respect. I don’t need to change for you or for anyone else. I would never ask someone to change for me, and I wasn’t willing to change for you. Maybe that’s where things started to go wrong, maybe you wanted me to be someone I wasn’t. I am not embarrassed by who I am, I am proud of the person I am.
I deserve to be with someone who will except me and love me for who I am. And you were not that person. You aren’t a bad person, I truly believe that. I don’t think you were trying to hurt me. I think you were trying to make us into that fairytale romance you had in your head. I think you honestly thought if we both would change a little bit that we could be the perfect couple. But that was never what I wanted. I wasn’t looking to change. I didn’t need to hear all the things that needing “fixing”.
I will not let what you said hold me back from moving on, but it’s hard. It’s in my head now. Every time I answer the phone now I’m wondering if the person on the other line thinks I am bad at talking on the phone. When I am on dates I wonder if I am coming off closed and uninviting. I wonder if I am coming off insecure, and like I have trust issues. When I’m on a dates I overthink anything I say because I am scared of how it will come off. You put these insecurities in my head, and now I can’t shake them. They weren’t there before. And that sucks.
So back to your question, how did I put up with you. I put up with you because I put your first and let myself and my self worth become secondary. Looking back now I don’t see you on a pedestal anymore. I just see you as a regular person who has issues just like anyone else. I hope everything works out for you and you find happiness. Because I am done letting myself fall second and I know now that I am better off without you.