Love Is The Only Thing That Exists

I’ve had a preoccupation lately — especially when walking down the street listening to piano music — with imagining what it would be like to get shot in the chest. There’d be a jolt of impact, a hard jab that knocks the wind out of you. Then I’d drop to my knees, and everything surreal — people running and screaming, maybe a siren, or maybe no one notices at all, just a bird floats overhead in an ordinary sky on an ordinary sunny day. There’d be blood, and then I’d lie down and go to sleep.

I’ve also had a preoccupation — especially on these cold, still nights after a warm day, when spring waits for tomorrow – with thinking about love.

Iโ€™ve tried to dismiss it — clunky, overly-emotional collocation; cheap and melodramatic feeling. But I canโ€™t. When I think about loving someone, I think about dying. I think about her dying and us dying and me dying for her. Carl Jung said something like, โ€œWhere there is light there is always a shadow.โ€

Death and love are the same this way: they are the only things Iโ€™m sure are true. They are, in a sense, the only things that exist. I donโ€™t know why Iโ€™m alive, or if Iโ€™m always doing the right thing. I canโ€™t ground my words to something immovable, or tell you much about cause and effect. (If in accuracy we only learn what we do not know, shouldnโ€™t we exalt beauty?)

But I can tell you that my heart quivers and my stomach drops when I see her. And I can tell you about phone calls and funerals and heโ€™s not coming back. And I think the only way to live fully is to give up what I canโ€™t know, and to drop to my knees and worship what I do, and be vulnerable to it — love + death — to recognize their higher power.

And I think: for love to abandon me is for death to catch me — walking down the street, listening to piano music — with a shot to the chest. TC mark

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