I’m Terrified To Tell Anyone I’m Slipping Back Into Depression
By Gabi Mischel
The past few months I’ve been getting closer and closer to falling off the edge into an emotional breakdown. I keep getting right up to the edge and then pulling myself back. Because I can’t fall apart. Not now. Not again.
You see I have this problem. I don’t believe that I get to fall apart. I spent most of my teenage years a wreck, and now I feel like I always have to be “good.” I feel like the people around me already went above and beyond for me and I don’t want them to have to do that again. I know they would be mad if they heard me say that. But I can’t help feeling that way.
And so every time I feel like I’m going to fall apart I manage to stop it. The days where I don’t have the energy to even get out of bed in the mornings I remind myself that this is nothing. I’ve been at rock bottom, this is nothing. I can deal with it. This isn’t depression, just a small dose of sadness. Nothing to get worked up about.
So for months, I’ve been having these days where I feel like I can’t handle it. But I try to hide it. I tell everyone I’m just tired. And I avoid the people I think will see right through that. There are a few people who I know will see right through my facade, so on those days I pretend to be too busy to talk to them. And then when I’m feeling better I can deal with them and pretend nothing happened.
I hate feeling like I need people. I want people to feel like they can rely on me and like I am there for them. But then when it comes to them feeling that way about me I just feel like a burden. When he tells me that he’s there for me I want more than anything in the world to tell him everything. But I am so scared that he will feel like I’m burdening him. Even though I know deep down he won’t. I can’t seem to break down that wall, at least not fully.
I had a best friend who stopped talking to me because I was a burden. A boyfriend who broke up with me partially because he didn’t want to always worry that the person he was with would fall apart. Rationally I realize that I was not the problem there, they were. Because part of relationships is being there for the other person. But I can’t help but blame myself for it. Like if I hadn’t been so needy then maybe people wouldn’t walk away from me.
So I keep it all in. I don’t let anyone know that there are days where I’m scared I’m slipping back into my depression.
But I don’t feel that way every day. I’m happier than I’ve been in years. I love my job, my family, my friends, my boyfriend. I am surrounded by amazing people and I am so grateful for that.
So why are there days where I feel empty? Days where I feel like there’s a rain cloud hanging over my head? Why am I still sad some days? And why won’t I let myself let people support me through this?
I think I secretly fear that if I let anyone in it will become “real.” Like if I keep it to myself maybe these feelings will go away on their own.
But I’ll tell you a little secret, I know that’s not the way it works. I’m just scared. But I’m not sure how much longer I can keep this up. The longer I keep it to myself the worse it gets. I feel more alone. More isolated.
I think that maybe it’s time I let someone in…