The past few months I’ve been getting closer and closer to falling off the edge into an emotional breakdown. I keep getting right up to the edge and then pulling myself back. Because I can’t fall apart. Not now. Not again.
You see I have this problem. I don’t believe that I get to fall apart. I spent most of my teenage years a wreck, and now I feel like I always have to be “good.” I feel like the people around me already went above and beyond for me and I don’t want them to have to do that again. I know they would be mad if they heard me say that. But I can’t help feeling that way.
And so every time I feel like I’m going to fall apart I manage to stop it. The days where I don’t have the energy to even get out of bed in the mornings I remind myself that this is nothing. I’ve been at rock bottom, this is nothing. I can deal with it. This isn’t depression, just a small dose of sadness. Nothing to get worked up about.
So for months, I’ve been having these days where I feel like I can’t handle it. But I try to hide it. I tell everyone I’m just tired. And I avoid the people I think will see right through that. There are a few people who I know will see right through my facade, so on those days I pretend to be too busy to talk to them. And then when I’m feeling better I can deal with them and pretend nothing happened.
I hate feeling like I need people. I want people to feel like they can rely on me and like I am there for them. But then when it comes to them feeling that way about me I just feel like a burden. When he tells me that he’s there for me I want more than anything in the world to tell him everything. But I am so scared that he will feel like I’m burdening him. Even though I know deep down he won’t. I can’t seem to break down that wall, at least not fully.
I had a best friend who stopped talking to me because I was a burden. A boyfriend who broke up with me partially because he didn’t want to always worry that the person he was with would fall apart. Rationally I realize that I was not the problem there, they were. Because part of relationships is being there for the other person. But I can’t help but blame myself for it. Like if I hadn’t been so needy then maybe people wouldn’t walk away from me.
So I keep it all in. I don’t let anyone know that there are days where I’m scared I’m slipping back into my depression.
But I don’t feel that way every day. I’m happier than I’ve been in years. I love my job, my family, my friends, my boyfriend. I am surrounded by amazing people and I am so grateful for that.
So why are there days where I feel empty? Days where I feel like there’s a rain cloud hanging over my head? Why am I still sad some days? And why won’t I let myself let people support me through this?
I think I secretly fear that if I let anyone in it will become “real.” Like if I keep it to myself maybe these feelings will go away on their own.
But I’ll tell you a little secret, I know that’s not the way it works. I’m just scared. But I’m not sure how much longer I can keep this up. The longer I keep it to myself the worse it gets. I feel more alone. More isolated.
I think that maybe it’s time I let someone in…