I feel like a brick is sitting on my chest and I can’t breathe. I keep struggling for air, but I can’t get enough. There’s this knot sitting in my stomach. I can’t help feeling that maybe I’m too much.
I don’t believe that anyone is perfect, but if I had to describe my perfect guy you would be pretty close. You are so far from perfect in the best way possible, and that is exactly why you are almost perfect to me. You are everything I could have wanted and more.
And yet I can’t get rid of this little voice in my head today that’s telling me that you deserve so much better.
Last night as we had our first real argument I couldn’t help thinking, this is the part where he will realize it’s too much and leave. But you didn’t leave. You wouldn’t even say goodnight until we had resolved it. My natural instinct was to push you away, but I didn’t, and you didn’t let me.
We talked until there was nothing else to say.
But when we got to the root of the issue it became apparent that I am the root of the issue. I live with this constant fear that everyone is going to leave me. I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop, and I can’t let myself be convinced that I am allowed to be fully happy. And while I thought I was hiding that better clearly I wasn’t.
I explained it to you and you were more understanding than you should have been. You made me feel like it was okay. And I love you for that. You make me feel like I am not too much to handle. Like I am good enough.
And yet there are those moments I have, like today, where I can’t shake this feeling that by being with me you are missing out on being with someone who has less baggage. I can’t help wondering if I am holding you back.
And yet, there is no way I could let you go. You have taught me how to love and experience life in a way that I haven’t been able to before. You make me want to change. You make me want to trust again and let go of all these fears. You make me happy. You never make me feel like I am too much to handle.
I am so in love with you it scares me. You are everything I want and more.