There’s something I haven’t told many people.
When we broke up one of the first things I felt was relief. This was of course mixed with anger, hurt, and grief. But there was definitely some relief mixed in there.
I finally felt like I could be me again.
When we were together you had this idea of a fairytale romance in your head. You were calculated, you knew exactly how every moment was going to play out. And I very quickly found myself fitting right in to that. I was acting out the role you were writing in my head.
And honestly, it was exhausting. I don’t think I fully grasped it at the time. I was so caught up in our relationship that I didn’t realize that I was losing myself.
I became someone I didn’t recognize because it was who you wanted me to be.
You laughed, and it was like someone cued me, and I knew it was now my turn to laugh. You smiled at me, so I smiled back. You leaned in, so I leaned in. I was mimicking your actions without realizing it.
There was the night that we were walking and there was someone busking on the corner. You took my hand and started dancing with me. We were mid-disagreement and I definitely did not want to be dancing on a street corner with you. And yet, I knew that that’s what I was supposed to do next, so I smiled and took your hand.
I always say I am a terrible actress, but maybe I am not as bad as I think. I had no trouble acting along to your script.
One of the first things I told you was that I would never be your fairytale princess and yet I let myself become that. Or I should say, I acted as if I was.
For a while I kept it up. I fit that perfect image you had built in your mind. But slowly I started slipping.
My past with mental illness didn’t fit in, so you tried to cover it up. My introvertedness didn’t work, so you pushed me past my limits.
I got so good at playing the part that I didn’t realize how unhappy I was until our relationship started crumbling.
I was upset once, and instead of supporting me, you hijacked that and made it about yourself. You decided that you were upset and with essentially a snap of your fingers I forgot about myself and was the caring girlfriend who was trying to make you feel better.
I worked so hard to fit this image you had built that I felt like I was constantly on eggshells. I was tiptoeing around you to make sure that I didn’t upset the status quo.
And when I saw a chance of that all falling apart, I realized how ready I was to retire from my acting career.
Acting is not for me, and I no longer want to worry about having to act in anyone’s fairytale. I don’t want a perfect fairytale. I want a messy, passionate, and beautiful love story – whatever that might mean.