This week I had a moment of awful clarity. I’m sure the clarity has been there for quite some time, but this week I had a real moment of it. I finally understood that no matter how much I willed it or wished it or wanted it, you will never be able to give me what I need. You will never be able to support me in the way I need to be supported or perhaps even love me the way I need to be loved.
And the worst part is, it’s not your fault. You are just not wired that way. Even if you wanted to, and I really fucking hope that deep down you do, you just can’t.
If someone had told me when I first met you that one day I would be in love with you, I probably wouldn’t have been surprised. That’s just the type of person you are. You are enigmatic, magnetic, fascinating, and truly beautiful. And I don’t mean beautiful like the way regular people see it, I mean beautiful in the sense that life has thrown so many ridiculous and unjustified obstacles at you and somehow you have navigated every single one-beautiful.
I’m not pretending to know you inside out or upside down. I’m not suggesting I know you better than anyone else or better than you know yourself. I’m not even going to trick myself into thinking that you know me that way either. But I do know you. I know you get scared, and I know your sensitivities. I know the things you had hoped for yourself and the things you have left behind. I know your addictions and your flaws.
I’d like to think I’ve seen you through some times that not everyone would stick around for. And I never thought you owed me anything or that I deserved some kind of reward, but I guess I thought I deserved a chance. Even if it didn’t work out, even if it was an absolute disaster, even if it blew our friendship apart, didn’t we deserve a chance to truly love each other? I am still so sure that nothing will make me happy if it’s not you and me, watching movies at four am, smoking in your bed, and talking to each other in our sleep. I wish I could believe you were still capable of trying, maybe then I could hold on a little longer.
Sometimes I wonder if one day I’ll laugh about how much I thought I loved you. But I still love you, so it’s not funny yet.