Everything I Never Said To The Love Of My Life

Maybe it’s our nature as humans to run from the things and moments we should face to those that will keep us guarded for a little longer so that running always gets to be an option. But what do you do when you’re at a dead end and there’s nowhere to run anymore? Well, where I am right now tells me that you face the truth and conquer your fears just here. It’s so easy for us to praise the assholes but never the genuinely good hearted. I will never understand that.

I could tell you exactly how long it’s been since we last spoke to the second but I know that there is no point in making something easy, difficult. This letter is something I have owed you since then. I’m sorry that it took me so long to gain the courage I needed in order to finally write it. It may come off as a complete shock that I would go through all this trouble after so much time but it wasn’t until recently that I finally understood the meaning behind it all. Please believe me when I say that I have no ill intention with any word you find written here. My only wish is that once you finish reading all I have to say, you understand that you have saved someone and that someone will never stop being thankful.

I’ve sat down numerous times attempting to write out all I have wanted to say to you but every time I try, the delete button is hit halfway through. It’s always either too much or not enough. It would take a novel for me to explain my every day since then but what happens in my everyday life is not something I need to write down for you. It’s not the reason behind this letter. So if it’s not that, what is it?

I want you to know that I am sorry for everything I put you through. I am sorry for all the anger I lashed out on you and for any hurtful words I have said. Anger was never something I felt towards you, but rather to the situations life always tossed my way. I won’t make excuses because I’m not trying to justify my actions. I have made many mistakes. I still do, but I am trying my best to learn from them. I just want you to know that I am sorry for every tear I caused and for every one that I could not save from falling.

My desire was to always make you feel wanted and loved, and I know there were moments where I did the complete opposite. Sometimes I really wish I could go back and change those moments into something better, something worth remembering, and for no reason but to remove any doubt you may have had in yourself because of them. But then I begin to think it is because of those moments that you can now acknowledge what you deserve and know that it is so much more than anything I was ever able to offer your way.

I still think about you from time to time. More so lately than ever before because I know I can’t put aside the image of you any longer. There were so many moments over the past year where I felt like I was losing myself, suffocating from everything in my life. It was in those moments that my ability to breathe and feel okay came form you and everything you taught me. There are so many moments I wish you were there for just so you could witness the influence you’ve had on me and how far it is that I am still going. I find myself pinching my skin, trying to wake up because it can’t be reality. Life cannot be this meaningful and bright. But it is or so it seems because I have yet to wake up.

I thank you for that.

There are times where just the thought of you comes to mind from nothing other than the memories my heart will always replay for me. It would be the biggest lie I ever told if I said that I do not miss you because I do. I know that I always will. Just as your memory brings me smiles, it brings me tears as well. But I’m okay with that, more than okay. I cannot be anything less than grateful for the time I had to share my world with yours. No one could ask for anything more when someone has already shown them all they could and the path to the rest of the world with it.

I don’t know how to explain how it is you exactly saved me because I have yet to understand it completely myself. Part of me knows that I never completely will get it because it’s a phenomenon that will never end. In the literal sense alone, my every breath is thanks to you. If not for the reasons behind everything we’ve been through, then for all the promises you had me make. I realize so much more now that they were never things you requested of me that would benefit you, but instead they were for my own good.

You taught me to love myself when we both so clearly knew I did not. You made me not only want to live but to serve my purpose as an individual in this world as well. They say that you cannot break an addiction or stop a behavior for any other than yourself or it will come back. I believe that, I know you do too. So your promises may seem like they were meaningless or without purposes but its actually just the opposite. I stopped for me because of you. I know how easy it is to run back to something so lethal when hope is lost. Your promises have remained as my hope when I have lost it in myself. They ensure me that I shouldn’t give up, that I never can because everything always means more than what it seems to. What my future holds is just that. If the knowledge of the importance of words and promises was not a gift you gave me, I really don’t believe I’d be anywhere close to where I am today. In all honesty, I would probably be dead.

I’m okay; I want you to know that. I wish I had some great story to tell you to make sure you believe me when I say that, but I don’t. I still make mistakes all the time but I really always do my best to learn from them. I keep my education as my number one priority. I try to spread love with everything I say and do. It often leaves me to be burned in the end but that’s okay, because I understand that pain is a part of growth.

Most importantly, I see every day through my own eyes and those eyes understand what it means to be in love with not just a person but with the world as well. It was you that gave me that ability. And maybe I’m still living at home, and still single. But you know what? I wouldn’t have it any other way. For the first time in two years, I am alone in a way that allows me to truly look at both the past and present. It feels good to acknowledge the past instead of continuously trying to run from it. For a long time I was angry. Not at you but at myself because I did not want to admit that what you did was the right thing to do and that because of it, I have only loved you more.

Love is one of the most dynamic concepts to ever exist, simply because it has so many shapes and forms that one cannot define or explain not only that which it truly is but also all that it comes with and all that it gives. I get why you left me and although I wish you didn’t, I understand why you did and because of that I am okay. How often does one come along that will love you enough to save you when being saved is the last thing you could ever want? I admit, our lives were being held together by a rope. But just as that rope kept us bound to one another, it denied us the ability to truly move on and have a future with any person who walked into our lives. We both know that even if it literally killed me, I would never walk away. So in the end, your love proved greater and stronger. I always knew it would. There’s nothing more that I ever wanted but for you to feel great in every way possible and in the end, it was just me that was keeping you from that. That will be my only regret in life. I only hope that you can find it in your heart to forgive me for being so selfish with my love for you.

Real, true, epic love. That is what you gave me and it’s something I will always cherish. There are days even now when those closest to me wonder if I’ll ever love another in the same way I do you. I never have an answer to give them other than “I don’t know” because I don’t. I don’t know if it’s possible to love someone that much, twice. Love indeed I will, and I have but not the same way, not yet at least. I have hope though, just as every person should and even if it does not happen again, I cannot say I would take anything back or that I have missed out on anything. So many people live their entire lives chasing something I can say at 22, I have already had. That it was the most beautiful feeling in the world and that although I only had it for so little time, the eternal marks it left within my heart is what gives me the ability to share it with all that I come across and with a graceful face. Everything I have ever considered possible in only the dreams we sleep for at night, you proved could and does exist in life instead.

My biggest fear will always be that we end up one day in the same room somewhere and one of us will walk away without my heart knowing its largest part was there until it is too late. It remains my biggest fear because if that were to happen, with you would leave the opportunity for me to personally tell you with my eyes that you were never anything but the greatest thing that ever happened to me and my life. I have felt that you walked away thinking the worst of it all. That’s something I do not want you to do. You have only shown a dark person bright lights and endless opportunities. So when you said your purpose was to save me, know that you successfully did and be proud because of it — not of me but of the power of your heart.

My prayers for your ultimate happiness are still made every day. I cannot imagine you being anything less than that. I try to picture what your life is like right now and how far you have made it but its difficult to do when you know the person is capable of conquering the world. I hope that life has been well for you and all in your heart. My best wishes always lie with you and your family. I hope that you have finally come to believe that a future filled with love has always been in your grace. I cannot wait until the day comes when I get notice of it coming true. That would be amongst the happiest days of my life.

So how is it that one goes about ending their last known words to one they see as a saint? I wish I knew how to say goodbye but even now it remains as something I cannot do. So let me make my last words just this. You once asked me if there would ever exist a time in my life where I would not or could now love you. I still don’t know what made you ask something so random but I’ll leave you with just your answer. To this day you have remained a large part of me and my heart. Any one I have loved since knows who you are and remains as thankful as I am. No day will ever exist where my heart does not love who you are and who you choose to become. Know that no matter where I am at any point in my life, you have in me a great friend who will never stop loving you, someone who will never leave you.

I’ll be seeing you. TC mark

featured image – Khánh Hmoong

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