1. The new boss. This guy spends time at home vomiting from anxiety, just like you do, over the constantly new and immense unknown that is adulthood. He may wear running shoes and a vest in an attempt to look casual or he may over compensate and wear a “suit” of sorts. He just wants you to know that he is cool. Take it easy on him.
2. The suit. He’s Captain Capitalist! For many the nightmare of bosses. Usually an older, white, decidedly creepy-looking male. He demands protocol and says things like, “You can thank me now” after belittling you. He’s all kinds of prick.
3. The hippy boss. Smells like weed, of course. Works in surprisingly professional places such as law offices and schools in not surprising professions such as art teachers and gofers. Talks about energy and transcendence a lot. Wears piercings and dreads that she can’t pull off anymore. Easy to confuse, which is nice.
4. The psycho. This boss cries and runs out of meetings. She “feels invalidated” constantly. She shows up looking sloppy and loudly tells everyone of her personal problems. She probably works for the government, which explains how she got this far.
5. The wimp. This guy is relentlessly optimistic. He smiles at you when you look up at him from your texting during a meeting. When he is forced to reprimand you, it somehow becomes a compliment. Overall he creates a sense of floundering for everyone involved, which leads to an attempt at regulation via insubordination. This, of course, gets you nowhere.
6. The old boss. She can be very nice, adjusting to the years of Sisyphysian nature of it all with a quaint silver-lining mentality. Perhaps she is wise and helpful. She may bring cookies to work. Or maybe she’s a mean and makes constant archaic references that you’re supposed to acknowledge. That’s probably more likely.
7. The control freak. This boss really has no redeeming qualities unless you really suck at making decisions on your own and favor early-life heart attacks. Knowing that, everything you do will be just fine, as long as it’s his way.
8. The sadist. This is one notch up from control freak because nothing you do will ever be just fine. As the name implies, she thrives on your pain. And if she doesn’t see you experiencing enough of it doing your every-day tasks, she has a lot of tricks such as changing deadlines from two months from now to tomorrow, insulting your outfits and smelling fear.
9. The slacker. Almost always the boss due to nepotism. Excellent at watching porn, Facebooking and delegating responsibility. Otherwise useless.
10. The cool boss. He’s calm under pressure. He knows when and what to do to make things run efficiently. He doesn’t take any shit while staying human enough to care if you need a “mental health day.” He’s usually at places where you get paid total shit in exchange.