Thought Catalog

10 Reasons to Date a Depressive

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1. Anything you leave with them will be right where you left it, no matter how long you leave it. Pending suicide, hospitalization or just deciding to go somewhere else while in a melancholic haze, the depressive avoids doing, well, things.

2. Borrowing money has two advantages. Depressives do not expect you to pay them back. It’s probable they don’t even remember lending it to you, after a while of nothing mattering.

3. Cheap date. Most depressives who want to live at least a little are on some sort of antidepressant. The chemicals in most antidepressants increase the potency of alcohol. You may end up with vomit on you while they tell you stories of their missed opportunities. But then again, you may not. It’s good to stay optimistic around depressives, for obvious reasons. Also, most depressives don’t eat much.

4. Avoiding the meet the family situation. Depressives usually hate their family. And depressives don’t want to meet your weirdo brood. That would interrupt days-long, pensive thought-loops. These are necessary for doing nothing.

5. Sex. As with most things it’s a double-edge sword with the depressed. They may get wasted (easily, see above) and fuck some of that anger out on you or they may get wasted and spend the night in the emergency room. It is worth the risk, though, if only to do it once. Intoxicated sex with a highly-medicated depressive is liken swimming with dolphins.

6. Drugs. Depressed people love to self-medicate. This often means unlimited beer and usually pills and pot. If you’re into speedy drugs though, you’re out of luck. Depressives are terribly uncomfortable with bouts of increased energy.

7. Poor memory and attention. Lucky for you, poor cognitive skills are a sign of depression! Depressed partners won’t remember things, like cruel words or mysterious sheet stains, and there’s less of a chance they’ll notice when you do stupid shit.

8. A lot of quiet time. If you’re into quiet (though not usually the peaceful kind), depressives are for you. If they aren’t quiet due to overwhelming internal existential dread, you’re getting the silent treatment for whatever you most recently said or did that crushed their identity.

9. Sensitivity. Depressives are very sensitive people. This will work well for you when you are sick or lose your job or any time you need someone to feel sorry for you. Or maybe you saw a squirrel outside and then looked away and when you looked back it was gone and for a second you were slightly glum. Anything. Just don’t expect any actual help. Depressives are already too weighed down with pain to do physical activities.

10.You are now awesome! When with depressives, usually a mess of bodily and foreign clothing stains, bloodshot eyes and plenty of hopelessness to share, you are truly a joy to all of the senses. So, even if you don’t want to invest in dating a depressive, just spending a little time with one can go a long way to making you feel better about yourself. TC mark

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  • girl

    dumb. hate it.

  • saritapatrice

    This was awfully unfunny.

  • http://thegirlwhofell2earth.tumblr.com/ Jlondon

    this is not only ridiculous and poorly written, but the fact that the author thought it was funny enough to publish is really sad. all of these reasons make no sense and are highly offensive to anyone that suffers from depression. mental health isn't really something to joke about, but I've seen it done before in a tasteful way. and this, so-called article was not written tastefully. The chef ought to be fired.

    and what the actual f*ck is a depressive…?

  • Aja_clarkman

    this is a disgusting article.

  • Chchchel

    Really?

  • Sarah

    I really didn't like this, at all. If there was any intended irony, you missed the mark quite terribly.

  • Rz

    Brandy, perhaps you need to grow the fuck up and quit making fun of actual illnesses. I was in a relationship with a depressive for 2 years. I still think he's an amazing man despite his illness. Thanks for cheapening that you piece of shit!

    Dear ThoughtCatalog, don't you filter your shit? or do you actually think this is funny?

  • Mr. White

    Pretty nasty.

  • Akedamia

    Well that was totally tasteless.
    How did this even get published?

  • susie q

    this is so fucking vile! i'm shocked that Brandy lists herself as a psychologist..
    seriously?? she needs to either go back to school or go to therapy herself!

  • Aelya

    I can't believe you had the audacity to write this. If you were trying to make light of depression, you failed. This was just good ol'fashioned insensitive.

  • federico

    i like depressives because i am also a depressive

    • Brandypass

      Hey, me too! :)

  • sidebar

    Funny because its true-

  • BRO BRO BRO BRO BRO

    TRITE SHIT YO

  • Brooke

    This is… Really fucking offensive. Holy shit.

  • Writeyourheartout1

    THIS ^^ Is marvelous. I love the light you have shown and think you have a great way of handling some tough stuff. I'm so glad you have stepped up and made light of some dark space. Your style of writing is beautiful as well. You are very intelligent and present it in a way that I know many will appreciate. Do not get discouraged, my dear. I do so hope to see much more from you in the future.

    • Yeahso

      /sarcasm

  • chinchillakwak

    I liked this and found this amusing, though I did sneeze perhaps 3 times while reading

  • Chchchel

    Never write again, thank you.

  • Special

    I wonder what the publication of this article will do to her credibility as a psychologist. All a potential patient would need to do is a web search for her name. Brandy Pass is obviously insensitive to psychological disorders. Possibly a depressive herself, we're likely seeing her play out her own self-destructive machinations with this article.

    • Brandypass

      Nice!

  • PINA

    Hi Brandy! I think above one is ok. Maybe next time you should write about the advantages of beating women or raping babies.

    • PINA

      Actually, i dont think humiliate retarded or gay or other minorities cant be fun. It can be extremely fun. But you cant. You are not.
      Please die.

  • http://profiles.google.com/kaila.heard Kaila Heard

    Started off kind of cute, but the the post got repetitive and well – i have to say it – depressing.
    stick with a top three listing at most.

  • http://fastfoodies.org Briana

    Oh. Hell. No.

    This really, really offended me. I'm all for the de-stigmatization of mental illness via humor, but this wasn't fucking funny. This reinforced the pithy stereotypes people have re: depression, the stereotypes that push BACK the progress that's being made.

    Hey, TC, can I write an article, “10 reasons to date a black person?” #1: They always have fried chicken hehehe! #2: They'll use their guns to protect you hehehehe #3: They never need to use sunscreen because they're always tan anyway!!!

    That's basically what this article sounded like to me.

    • Luke

      lighten up

  • ugh you guys

    hey thoughtcatalog, a lot of your writers are assholes. hire me! i'm funny, i'm smart, and i'm awesome. i swear.

  • Andrew

    This is fucking vile.

  • Tory

    While I'm disinclined to just bash this blindly, it put a bad taste in my mouth. My boyfriend is going through some hard times and having some problems with anxiety and depression at the moment, and it's not easy or fun in any way. It's painful and scary. I understand that this is meant to be a joke, but I think it's in bad taste and makes light of some very serious problems, not only for those who suffer from depression, but for those who care for them.

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