Begin by filling the house freezer with 34 Lean Cuisines the day you move in. Eat out the next sixteen consecutive days, leaving your overflowing freezer unusable to others. Finally eat first microwaveable dinner and leave used, dirty packaging on counter directly above garbage can.
Enjoy English Muffins in your roommate’s brand-new toaster oven. Enjoy English Muffins so much that you spread those little Thomas-brand crumbs over a significant area of the kitchen real estate. Invent new meal of toasted English Muffins, sliced tomatoes, and gorgonzola cheese, 30% of which must be deposited over the burgeoning crumb bed on the counter for the recipe to succeed. Walk away from congealing food mass on counter.
Leave passive-aggressive note on kitchen counter next day saying it would be super great if every roommate cleaned up after themselves so we can all use the space, k thanks!
Buy multiple 24-oz bottles of fruit juice and drink from each once. Never throw away, even when the juice has separated into Jell-o and oily water. Insist on saving every Chinese food delivery container from despite an overflowing Tupperware cabinet. Do not clean hoarded plastic ware.
Acquire small rodent-puppy. Manage to choose the one pet on the East Coast with the intelligence of a fruit fly and the demeanor of an ox. Fail to housebreak said rodent-puppy until your stronger-willed roommate does it for you. Complain that rodent-puppy respects stronger-willed roommate more than you. Buy little sweaters for rodent-puppy and carry it with you in an embroidered carrying case.
Acquire boyfriend. Manage to choose boyfriend with a penchant for cooking loudly at 6am on a Wednesday. Fail to housebreak said boyfriend until your stronger-willed roommate does it for you. Have noisy sex only when all roommates are home and sleeping.
Leave laundry in house washing machine for five consecutive days.
Play loud country music at all hours. Have consulting/Powerpoint editing job where you work from home. That is eighteen hours of gloriously ear-pounding Garth Brooks and Miranda Lambert, every day. Successfully turn home into personal office by making occupancy by others so undesirable that roommates flee.
Have conference calls in the living room at 9PM.
Record every episode, new and reruns, of Giuliana and Bill. When that fails to fill the house DVR, add reruns of The Real Housewives. Watch episodes during the day while on muted conference calls.
Express surprise that no roommate has chosen to renew lease at your place.