12 Ways To Live To A Ripe Old Age As A Black Person In America


There’s a lot of black people dying in America. What makes this sad is that the majority of these deaths were easily avoidable. I can no longer sit back and watch my fellow black brothers die prematurely. I’ve decided to share tips and tricks on how to survive in America as a black person. These tips have served me well (I am clearly still alive). If all black people were to follow the steps below, I believe we would see a 26% mortality rate decrease across the board.

1. Don’t associate with other black people

  • One black person is a nuisance.
  • Two black people is possible ‘gang-related activity’.
  • Three or more is a race-riot (or WorldStar video)  waiting to happen.

In any of the above situations, you’ll find that the police are well within their right mind to assume that you are currently (or about to) partake in criminal activity. When you come across these would-be-criminals, there are certain counter-measures you can take to avoid being in situations 2 and 3 described above. For instance, try crossing the road in advance when you see another black person. If there are white women and children nearby, be sure to casually point out these future-criminals so they can take the opportunity to rush into a nearby department store or take their phones out and prepare to dial 911.

This association rule extends online. Do not friend anyone on social networks where white people (and future employers) may see. If for some reason you absolutely must remain in contact with them, set your profile to private or maintain a respectable facade account.

2. Know the difference between Good Brown People and Bad Brown People

Not all brown people (or stereotypes) were created equal and I want to make sure you drill this into your skull. Here in America we are proud of our multi-racial nationality and are also equally proud that we have figured out how to seperate brown people and judge them differently from one another (because generalizing them would be racist). Here is a cheat sheet for the Good and Bad types of brown people.

Good Brown:

  • South-East Asians
  • Indians
  • Israelis
  • South Americans (Brazilians, Argentineans, Ecuadorians, etc)

Bad Brown People:

  • Black People (obvious)
  • Africans
  • Anyone from a country where Islam is the popular religion.
  • Central Americans (Mexicans, Costa-Ricans, etc.)
    *Please remember that this list is subject to change.

Fret not if you are in the Bad Brown People category; the skin-whitening market is booming (projected to reach 19.8 Billion USD by 2018). If you can’t erase your brown, you can at least look as vaguely ethnic as that one guy no one remembers from the Black Eyed Peas.

3. Don’t Date Black People. Ever.

Dating black people is a No-No. It is unfortunate enough that they exist to begin with, but to further the brown-washing of the Superior Race is simply unforgivable. Conscientious black people can do their part for the future by washing backwards. If you must engage in romantic or sexual activities, be sure you date only whites (or super hot asian women). Dilute your dark chocolate with milk, for a creamy, mellow, barely-tolerable tomorrow.

But remember: Every black-blooded child born is another mouth that will most likely end up on welfare. Let’s not be a drain on our benevolent government and countrymen any more than we already are.

4. Join the military/police as soon as possible

Buy war stamps and savings bonds! Defend your country by throwing your body on the chocolatey grenade of evil and in doing so, you may earn the right to use the same sidewalk as those beautiful aryan majesties. If that isn’t enough incentive, wearing a uniform could reduce your chance of being randomly shot from 99% to 92%. That’s a 7% reduction in randomly having your dirty blood spilt on the sidewalk of our great nation! And should an unfortunate accident occur while you’re browsing in your local supermarket, you’ll have earned your right to be buried in your own private grave.

Another benefit of joining a uniformed branch of government is this: if you can’t beat the man, join the man – and then take out years of suppressed rage on people who look just like you! Don’t worry, it’s perfectly natural. By beating the ever-loving shit out of other black people you will earn favour in the eyes of whites, further decreasing the likelihood of an untimely death. Distance yourself from your black skin by tearing it off other people at the end of a police baton.

5. Major in a STEM field

If we’re ever going to find the cure for our terrifying blackness, our only hope is to invest our young in the more reputable professions. Instead of spending your welfare check on a 40, buy (not steal!) one of your many, many children a science kit while they’re young. Instill into them the importance of STEM subjects. If you’re unable to do so, watch The Big Bang Theory and quote from it as often as possible. This will reassure the white folk that even though you’re a simple-minded person, you’re at least making the effort.

6. As soon as possible, move to the whitest neighborhood in your area

Now you may be asking yourself, “Why should I move into the pristine, white suburbs and drive down property values? That sounds un-American.” Firstly, by surrounding yourself with white people you are considerably less likely to die from black-on-black violence; secondly, if you conduct yourself in a non-threatening manner you will likely be viewed as a community novelty. You’ll increase the cultural value of the community, and your presence will allow the white people around you to feel better about themselves. “Look at how diverse our town is!” they will shout whenever someone questions the racial makeup of your town. Of course, the police will still shake you down left and right but instead of being accused of illegal drugs/weapons possession you will probably just end up with fictional traffic tickets and a lot of  ‘broken headlights’.

7. Wear what white people wear

A recurring theme in Black Fashion is the incorporation anti-establishment motifs which either subtly or overtly challenge the status-quo. Don’t do that, it’s a sign of aggression against the state. At any given point you should look like a cover model on GQ magazine. Not only does this increase your attractiveness to the White people, it decreases the likelihood that black women will find you attractive. Now you both look and act like you are too good for people of your own skin color. As previously mentioned, this is good.

Pro Tip: Don’t ever wear Urban Outfitters. They do this weird cultural appropriation thing (white people love it) and if you wear something that is appropriating ‘black culture’…it is no longer appropriation. Irony and Sarcasm are second languages to white people – leave that shit to them.

8. Don’t touch, handle, own, or think about guns

A long time ago, before the continents split apart and the world was as it is now, an african man took a gun and fired it – not in self-defense, but in ANGER. When he did so, the gun exploded and covered him in soot, staining his skin dark as his twisted soul. To this day he roams the world, firing the first shot every single time a white man is wrongly accused. We are his descendants, known by our terrifying black flesh…

Or so the story goes! Guns are what white people use to protect themselves against us. No white person has ever fired a gun first unless he rightfully felt threatened.  When white people use guns, they are keeping the peace and protecting themselves. When you, black person, put your hand on a gun you are automatically committing a crime (the specific crime can and will be made up upon police confrontation). Think Open Carry laws apply to you? You only think that because white lawmakers assumed you would be smart enough to know that the law only applies to whites. Clearly they over-estimated your intelligence. Again, stay away from guns. Also melee weapons. Also fists if it’s possible to remove them. (Our STEM graduates, aided by White Scientists Who Actually Know What They’re Doing, should be looking into this.)

9. Avoid “natural” or “threatening” hair styles

The indigenous people of Ghettoinnercitia often refuse to change their natural hairstyles in an effort to alienate and upset the gentle masses. A refusal to straighten, dye and style their hair in accordance with the Majority Opinion of the Bureau on Other People’s Hair is nothing short of an aggressive declaration. If you’re absolutely adamant on being black, the least you can do is dress, behave and style yourself exactly as a white person would. We must all make compromises (if we’re black.) It’s the least you can do.

For your benefit, here is a breakdown as to how different hairstyles for black people will be viewed by white people. Note that they are ranked from least to most threatening:

  • Bald: You’re probably gay, old, a cancer survivor, or Denzel Washington. Any of those render you relatively harmless.
  • Dreadlocks: You enjoy smoking pot, are generally harmless, and will probably die from a drug overdose or gunshot.
  • Afro: Much like a guy with dreadlocks, you probably enjoy smoking pot. You are viewed as slightly more threatening because you could be a Black Panther Activist in disguise, and will probably die from a drug overdose or gunshot.
  • Close Shave: You obviously go to a barber-shop which means you are breaking rule number 1 (congregating with other black people). Barbershops are a hot bed of criminal activity where the young and old come together to verbally assault the White Man behind his back, and they will all probably die from a drug overdose, or gunshots.
  • Corn Rows: Unless you are an actor on The Wire, you are obviously part of a gang. There is no wiggle room here, and you will probably die from a drug overdose, or a gunshot.
  • Fro-hawk: You are either a Mr. T impersonator or someone who plays for an African World Cup team, either way you will probably still die from a drug overdose, or gunshot.
    *Please note that just being black is threatening so the above list is relative.

10. Don’t go out at night without white friends

Let the masses know that you’re a Good Brown People by assuring them that you’re not a threat. A buffer of delicate white people will let them know that you’re safe to be around, and that your company can be tolerated. Ensure that you remain exactly two feet from your chosen chaperone at all times, so as not to be mistaken for a stalker or an attacker. Remember, you want to be seen as a novel accessory – something white people can show off in public as a way to air their cultural superiority and prove they’re not racist to those without black ‘friends’.

11. Only listen to approved music.

It needn’t be said that rap music is definitely a cause for alarm, as it was created by Angry Black Men as an opportunity to voice their unfounded frustrations (it also serves as a biological warning to white people of an impending violent outburst). Moreover, don’t be fooled into thinking the opposite end of the spectrum (or anything in between) is safe either. Listening to classical music may make you appear psychotic or overly-intelligent, and everyone knows that the most dangerous type of black person is an educated one. Musical talents such as Simon and Garfunkel, Journey and Cliff Richard (pending child molestation charges) are always a safe bet.

12. When a tragedy in the black community occurs, never respond with empathy.

They’ll think you’re one of them. Instead, publicly express your annoyance that the blacks are being uppity. Be sure to start your conversations around these tragedies like so: “I’m frustrated with the events…”

Ah yes, the ultimate way to ensure longevity as a black person – live in The White House and ignore the plight of anyone who looks remotely like you.

Some quick, final tips:

  • Don’t vote – you’d just vote for the guy because he’s black anyway
  • Don’t look police in the eye – Much like staring most animals in the eye, you signal that you are equal to them and are then perceived as a threat.
  • Go to church – Replace phrases such as “Fuck The Police” with “Praise the Lord!” Don’t sing though, white people might think you’re starting a slave rebellion.
  • Avoid empathy for black people – Black people are animals. Do you feel sorry when you eat meat? No? Exactly. Only vegans do, and they’re sub-human anyway. Thought Catalog Logo Mark
featured image – Shutterstock

Hunter. Boxer. 20-Something. I care deeply about my country, my community, & my family. Tweets from @IAmFredMcCoy

Keep up with Fred on Twitter

More From Thought Catalog