Guys, in preparation for Valentine’s Day, here are 14 tips to avoid insulting your fancy bit.
1. I got a notepad from my ex-boyfriend last Valentine’s day. It was the first Valentine’s gift I ever got from him, and evidently the last. The gift says it all fella’s, not what’s in your wallet but what’s in your heart.
2. If you’re just dating, don’t expect a nice dinner to buy you some fellatio. This is not a free pass to push her boundaries.
3. Valentine’s Day is important to most women because it signifies a day of romance. Try to be on time, respond well to texts, don’t be an asshole. Let this day rid you of assholeness.
4. If you’re too shy to ask for her company, tell her. Don’t do the mean and distant thing until we start being mean and distant because it’ll all go to shit and she wont forget it. We are elephants.
5. Want to make us swoon? Bring our mother a rose. Its not creepy, its thoughtful and lovely. Also, extra nighttime activities will be scheduled as a result.
6. Turn your damn phone off. We don’t care if your teams winning, or if there’s been a sighting of John Lennon at Dunkin’ Donuts. One day of being openly selfish is all we ask.
7. I once went out with a man who incessantly let the door swing shut behind him and ultimately in my face. Hold the freaking door open, man. It may not be 1925 anymore, but can we pretend it is? Chivalry is not dead. I have faith!
8. Only sleep with her if you’re planning on building a relationship with her. Sleeping with a woman for the first time on Valentine’s day is like giving a fat guy a year supply of In and Out Burger. He’ll take it, but why do you wanna kill him, dude?
9. Otis Redding. In the background of your candle lit home cooked meal. It will cover the burnt taste of your food.
10. My ex didn’t like to shower much, maybe he was tired, maybe he was a slob. Maybe he sold potatoes fresh out of his ears, I don’t give a fuck. If you’re a lazy twat and personal hygiene isn’t your favorite part of being a grown up, please go all out this Valentine’s day. The White Company does an unforgettable shower gel.
11. When in doubt, stalk it out. If you have absolutely no clue what to buy your other half for Vday, consider trawling her social media for what interests her and which brands she follows. She may have even retweeted a picture of her favorite handbag in the last month or so. If still no cigar, try perfume. Whatever you can afford, the smell will remind her of you.
12. You know what’s a great Valentine’s Day? An argument free Valentine’s Day. Pissed off at the sarcastic comment she just made about how she thinks you’ll marry your dog before her? Ignore it. She’s probably right, but she doesn’t need to know that. Not on Valentine’s Day. Keep it for the 364 other days of the year you can be an asshole.
13. I’m not that much of a hand person, but when I’m starting to fall for someone and they hold mine in public for the first time I get all giddy and 12. Please note, linking fingers means you want her vagina, holding palms means you want her heart.
14. To the fellas going all out this Valentine’s and popping the question, please ensure that you’ve at least hinted or been hinted at that she is ready to say yes. Nothing says endless miserable future Valentine’s days like the memory of a declined marriage proposal. Also, the ring should cost one month’s wage. She has to wear it to her grave. Don’t be a tight bugger.