How To Be A College Stereotype

Pitch Perfect
Pitch Perfect

Drink lots and lots of tea. Collect tea-making accouterments. Have a cabinet full of chipped, eclectic, and hip mugs. Know the difference between oolong and jasmine and chai (aka buy anything besides Lipton). Offer everyone tea the moment they walk through your door. Spend many a late night sipping tea and exploring the intricacies of life with the homiez.

Eat a diet that is 60% Chipotle, 10% alcohol, 10% drunk pizza, and 20% your college’s favorite local sandwich shop. But actually, eat Chipotle multiple times a week. Talk about your favorite combos and the most recent article you read on how to “hack” chipotle. Talk about what a great deal it is and how you totally just saw the Chipotle documentary and like totally support their fight against the super cruel mass-produced meat industry.

Talk a lot about your thoughts. Have an opinion on everything. Judge people your age who don’t vote. Discuss politics as if you know what you’re talking about and didn’t just read the Daily Beast’s Cheat Sheet. Have a cause. Pursue it with youthful vigor. Be all up in people’s faces about it on Facebook. Don’t understand why people unfriend you because who wouldn’t care about this??

Talk a lot about your feelings. Have really deep late night chats with strangers, drunk and sober. Spend hours at coffee shops with close friends lamenting how universally fucked up everyone is in their own special ways. Be open and honest about how scared you are for the future and really don’t know what you’re doing with your life and you can’t decide whether you should be practical and bored or impractical and follow what you love.

Be a Democrat and a feminist. Read tons of blogs and millennial websites like Jezebel, actually especially Jezebel. Debate Girls all the time. Go back and forth on whether Adam is the best boyfriend ever or the worst. Discuss rape culture. Be PC. Tell people not to say “That’s gay” or “That’s retarded”.

Act super bougie. Go to trend fitness classes like hot yoga, soul cycle, and pure barre. Eat a salad after. Go on sprang breakkkk. Go on a #springbreakdiet beforehand. Talk about it all the time, but never stick to it. Be an instawhore and a snapchat fiend. Use hashtags like #treatyoself #idgaf and #college.

Don’t sleep and then binge on sleep forever. Complain about midterms and how you’re dying and how busy you are (even though everyone else is in the same boat). Forgo your homework one night because your friends just want to eat popcorn and sit on the floor of your apartment.

Binge watch Netflix. Sometimes stay in on weekend nights to watch Breaking Bad and be infinitely more happy than you could ever be going to Bob’s Bros and Hoes rager. Experience FOMO. Be in ambiguous sexual relationships best identified by the phrase: “We’re talking…sort of…”

Feel totally original and absolutely uniform at the same time. Feel as if everything has already been thought and you will never contribute anything worthwhile to the world. Have an existential crisis, hell, have multiple. Realize you are a stereotype but that this is your life and what you have been given and you should just live your life. TC mark

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