1. The Best Friend
You love your best friend. He’s always been there for you in a gruffly supportive way that oddly fluctuates between brotherly and flirty. At some point you’ve probably had a crush on him and vice versa, or at least wondered why you two have never happened. But for some reason or other these crush times have never corresponded or neither of you has been brave enough to initiate anything. Finally, you will kiss. And you will know that there’s a reason you two breezed right into the friendship zone. There’s no spark, there never was any spark, that’s why you two didn’t end up dating in the first place! Brush it off as a funny thing that had to happen and then continue being buds.
2. The Guy You Should Like
He’s nice. Like really nice. He’s sweet, smart, mildly cute, calls his mother regularly. Your friends all tell you he’s a good guy, he’s the kind of guy you should be going after. Unfortunately, the heart wants what the heart wants, and it does not want this guy. Eventually you will go through a really bad time with a jerk and finally decide to put your foot down and do what is supposed to be good for you. You go for the guy you should like. You kiss him and there is nothing there. He is certainly right for someone, but just not you. It was important to find this out and now you can go find a guy who not only appears good on paper but also lights your paper on fire IRL if you know what I mean.
3. The Douchey Jock Who Is So Hot You Could Die
The nerdy middle-schooler in you jumps with joy. The insecure 13 year-old you once were is beyond flattered and astonished that someone so hunky is looking at you. For the poor little freak you used to be, you have to kiss this boy. You know he will treat you like shit, you know he gets more girls than you have facebook friends, but for one night, you will bask in the glory of his hotness and then when you realize you don’t want a trophy, but a relationship, you will move on.
4. The Amazing Kisser
You will meet this boy at a party. The darkness will obscure his face and that is good. This boy should remain nothing more than a pair of lips. His mouth is so perfect you wouldn’t dare want to ruin it with talking or god forbid, a personality. You see him out, you kiss his face, you leave. You go back as many times as you need to remind yourself that there actually are good kissers in the world.
5. The Horrendous Kisser
This person will not have a name amongst your friends except for a signifier of his kissing flaw. The Biter, The Licker, The Slobberer may be among his titles. Kissing this person will cause every orifice in your body to instinctively clench shut. It will also cause you to question your sexuality. It is important to kiss this person to learn what you do not like. It is also important to leave immediately.
6. The One Who Is Way More Into You Than You Are Into Him
This boy will kiss you with a fervent passion that is so endearing it almost makes you like him. In actuality you don’t like him, you just like being liked by someone. You will probably kiss him at times when you are sad and lonely and just need to feel wanted. Every time you see him his persistent passion will make you wonder if maybe you could like him. This is too safe though, this is settling. He deserves someone who reciprocates his obsession and you deserve to be as passionate about your partner as they are you.
7. The Intellectual
His middle name on Facebook (before he deleted it because it was becoming too sensationalist) was Camus. He complains bitterly about the state of the public intellectual in today’s society. He once brought a bottle of pinot grigio (just for himself) to a kegger. He is the most pretentious boy in the world. You think the way he whispers philosopher’s names in your ear is sexy though and you’re so fed up with stupid boys. Eventually you’ll realize pretension can be just as bad as stupidity and you really don’t appreciate being condescended to. You’re also really sick of the taste of stale cigarettes on his breath. At first his smoking seemed mysterious but you’ve come to your senses and remembered it’s no mystery that it causes cancer.
8. The Big Guy
I mean this in pretty much any way at all. Tall, muscular, fat, a mix of any of these. You chose this guy solely because you were in the mood to feel small. Maybe you were feeling bloated that night or maybe you were feeling really weak and wanted someone to carry you. Regardless, this could be the best or worst guy in the world, it doesn’t matter. You will kiss him, he will encompass your body in his when he hugs you, you will feel small and protected, he will have served his purpose.
9. The Best Friend’s Boyfriend’s Best Friend
So your best friend is dating this guy. They’re super happy together except when you are constantly third wheeling them. Your best friend just wants you to be happy (and for you to have a boyfriend for instagrammable double dates). After bugging her boyfriend he’ll finally capitulate and bring his sorriest, loneliest boy along to a Ruby Tuesday’s. He will be pleasant but nothing special. He will kiss you goodnight at the end of the night because both your best friend’s are making out and you both feel awkwardly obligated to. You’ll awkwardly hug at parties from then on but pretend the date never happened.
10. The Prince (aka the one)
PSYCHE. I have yet to kiss this boy. Then again, maybe he’s anyone on this list because everyone has different taste.