1. Poker and Black Jack are essential life skills. Especially for 8 year-olds, because betting is a skill best learned young. Also, it’s okay to smoke cigars when you’re 12 if it’s with the family, over the poker table.
2. Homemade chicken soup will fix anything. It’s like penicillin, hell it’s like Windex, put it on or in anything and it will be healed.
3. Seven PM is the most important time of day because that’s when Jeopardy is on. You don’t deserve a seat at the grownups table until you can get a question right.
4. The quickest way to incur the wrath of your grandfather is to put your coat on your legs instead of your arms.
5. Eight AM is a magical time reserved for sneaking rice crispies into bed while your parents sleep. How this ever worked given the snap crackle pop, I do not know, but that is part of the magic of eight AM.
6. Ladies never swear… audibly.
7. Butt pinching is always acceptable if you’re a grandma, no matter whether the pinchee is two or twenty.
8. Laps are hands down the safest place on earth.
9. I make a better door than a window, a fact that my grandmother has told me more and more the taller I’ve gotten. This fact really helped shape my identity in that it expelled from my head the idea that I was see-through at a very young age.
10. Scars are only as scary as you let them be.
11. Being the first person to hold your hand after being born gives them bragging rights for the rest of their life.
12. Beauty and femininity have nothing to do with breasts.
13. Flannels and embroidered cat sweatshirts will never go out of style, proving that old people are the original hipsters.