when your body fails, you will want to collapse on the street but there are practical things to be considered like traffic and cars and what people would do to a girl collapsed on the street so you keep walking. it’s really the small things that break your heart like a homemade lunch left uneaten and a bed that is made but never slept in. some days, everything in the world is aching and it’s all you can do to keep yourself upright. remember the rain and the last kiss that should’ve been the last and felt like it was but wasn’t? remember the mountain and the cold fall air and the promises left to rot? of course you do, darling girl. you never could let a damn thing go. it seems romantic to you, beautiful somehow, to be so full, to be so determined and steady even when every mouth you pass laughs at the dutiful way you love. didn’t anyone ever tell you some things have to be let go of? didn’t anyone ever tell you a promise is only a promise as long as both people believe? so you know better now, so you’re embarrassed, so the world doesn’t seem so precious and you’re crying into your morning coffee and calling collect just to hear someone’s voice in your ear. you need to stand up now but you won’t, you’ll stay on the floor with the wine leaking dark circles into the wood and your heart staining the lines in your hands and when someone finally knocks on the door, you open it and the landlord is standing there and you neatly throw up onto the doormat then wipe your mouth and reach for your checkbook. damn if you didn’t think it would be someone else. damn if you didn’t still hope.