What Happens When You Fall In Love And He Dies?
When I received the call that Tommy was gone I didn’t believe it. I was in a car full of people returning from a work trip to Arkansas. I literally said, “That’s not right, I’ll call you back.” I said I’ll call you back…
I sat in the car anxiously waiting to get back to Dallas. Thinking it couldn’t be true. I rushed to my car and drove to his job thinking he’d be at work. Seeing the glass in the road was when I gave up thinking it wasn’t true.
On April 23, 2017, the man I’d fallen in love with and planned to marry died after his car was hit by a drunk driver.
The first few days I was in shock. It didn’t seem real. I went back to work and just went through the motions. I was convinced this was a teen drama or a soap opera where we’d get the message he had a mystery twin who actually died and not my Thomas.
I fucking hate life without Tommy.
These days I feel numb. Like I’m just existing. I visit his resting place about three times a week. I pass it every day on my way to and from work. I talk to his sisters every day. Nothing excites me anymore. I can’t imagine myself falling in love again. No man will be as perfect as Tommy.
My top ten thoughts after one month without my love. I’m not even sure if they make sense.
1.
This is real. This is really real? It happened.
2.
I don’t understand this. Our relationship was perfect. I was JUST starting to let my walls down. I was beginning to really let him in and vice versa.
3.
How can there possibly be another man who will accept me and love me as Tommy did? Will I know he’s the one within a matter of months like I did with Tommy?
4.
Literally every day is painful. I have to remind myself he’s gone every morning. My heart physically hurts. I’m not sleeping.
5.
Pretending I’m OK every day is exhausting. Wearing the mask is
tiring.
6.
But do I even have a right to be sad? Horrible things happen all the time. Every day. To everyone.
7.
I’m not mad at God. I thank God every day for allowing me to experience perfect love here on Earth. I’m just confused. Confused about life and everything
8.
I had to drop our wedding guest list, our wedding budget in the trash on the laptop. I keep ignoring emails from the reception venue I wanted to book, asking if I “still need that date.”
9.
People fall in love and get married. That’s the way it goes. So Why not for me?
10.
What am I supposed to do now that he’s gone?