Why I Never Told You I Loved You

Luke Porter

You were special. You meant so much to me. I knew I was something special to you. I also knew that I fantasized about the moments I would tell you how I felt and how passionately you would kiss me to show you loved me just as much as I loved you. I would trick my self into believing the fantasy. I would see you across the room and when our smiles would match, my heart would glow. You were my favorite person. I always wanted to be around you. You would tell me you loved me and I would ignore those words because you didn’t mean them the way I wanted you to. I loved you. I love you. I know how to say those words and mean them without having to worry about how you’ll hear them. I know you hear them with friendship, admiration, and support. They mean more. When I say them out loud to you, my heart is wrapped up in them.

My favorite fantasies of us would begin whenever you would say it and whisper it to me to make sure no one else could hear. I knew the only reason you whispered them were because of the assumptions others already had in their small minds. You whispered them because it was a secret between us, just like what happened those summer nights before any one knew. Others see the connection between us. I am confronted with the questions of what our romance is every day. My words are always misleading to protect myself. I know that when you deny any romance, it is because there is none. Yet, you mislead my heart unknowingly by sometimes playing a long. They know we spend time alone together. They know what happened. We know what happened, but have chosen to forget.

My mind knows you are my best friend. My heart knows it aches for. My body knows it wants to cling to you. Your arms around me always feel new and wonderful. When you want a hug and admit it, I hide my excitement and joy. You say you don’t know who you are, but when I look at you I know. I know that you are magic. I know that you are more capable than you believe. I know that you are afraid because of what has happened to you. You forget I am here now and that I will save you. I remind myself that you’re not forgetting. I forget that when you say the words I need to hear that you’re not saying you love me. You’re saying you need me. You need the support. You need a friend.

I hear you talk and sometimes all I do is wait for the words I want to hear. I will disregard what your truth is because it doesn’t match mine. I’ve known this for almost too long now. I keep convincing my self that one day it will match. Your feelings will match mine. Our hearts will meet and you won’t remember a time before they did. I know this day won’t some. That’s why I will never tell you how much I love you. I will never tell you how deeply, how madly, how fully I love you. TC mark

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