When you’re in love to a person who has an unforgettable past with someone and they have a cute little girl to remind them of what they had once shared, it’s hard to not feel insecure. Especially when you’re an emotionally sensitive person.
You ask them why they love you and they’ll say that you’re trustworthy. That you’re dependable. That you’re not going to break their hearts, not like what the person before you did. And it’s nice. It feels nice that they trust you with their heart.
They’ll tell you and show you everyday, every minute, in every way they can, how much they love you. They remind you of it everyday so that you’ll never forget. They’ll tell you never to forget. And it makes you want to fly. The feeling of being loved so much…you can’t explain it. You appreciate their words, their efforts. And you’ll love them even more.
But then you still wonder. How long will their I Love Yous last? What if, suddenly, that person in their past will come back and claim them again? And since they have history together, while you and he are still creating one, you know you can’t compete with that.
You don’t want to think about those things because what’s the point? You try to tell your brain to stop overthinking and worrying. But they are not going away. So you entertain them, and then it hurts you, and then you’ll blame yourself afterwards for being such a weak person.
Eventually though, you’ll get fed up and you try to forget about it. And you do. You put those inconsequential worries aside and think about now, because he is with you now and isn’t that the most important thing? So you go on, everyday, showing him, telling him, how much he means to you. And everything is alright.
But then one morning he tells you about his dream. He tells you that he dreamt about her and that she was trying to get him back. And that he almost gave in. Almost. But he didn’t, because you were there too and you just won’t give him up. It pleases him immensely. It pleases him so much that in his dream, you fought for him. He then gives you a smile and tells you I love you and that he was happy that in the dream, you didn’t let go. And then, he moves on.
But not you. There you are, shaken up by a single, unassuming, word. Almost. What a very crucial word.
That word triggers your insecurities again, even though you know full well that it was just a dream. But still…but still…a realization has occurred there. And then you start thinking: if that occurs in real life, would the same thing happen? You keep asking yourself again and again, repeating a scenario you had made up in your head. You tell yourself to stop, that it’s only a trivial thing. For the love of God, it was just a dream! That’s what you tell yourself.
But you can’t. You just can’t. Because you couldn’t ignore that, even if it’s just a small one, there’s a possibility that someday something like that might happen.
So there you go again with your doubts and fears and worries and your endless series overthinking. Does he love you, really? If she comes back and says that she’s sorry for the things she did to hurt him, and that she wants to start again for the sake of their kid, what would be his reaction? Are you prepared for whatever decision he’s going to make? If he says that he still loves her but he’s not going back because she has hurt him, and that he’s going to stay with you, what would that make you feel?
Would that make you feel like you’re just a second choice? Was that insecurity you hear knocking on your head again? And would you entertain it again even though you’ve said to yourself to never again?
Insecurity is never pleasant. However, thankfully, it’s not always there. But there are times, moments you couldn’t control, where something triggers them. And in that moment you wouldn’t be able to help yourself get rid of that awful feeling. You’ll just sit there and allow it to eat you up. And when you’re in a relationship, the awful just doubles.