Things were pretty much simpler before I fell in love. My life has been nothing but that. There were no confusions, no late night petty arguments, no overnight crying and morning swollen eyes; just a peaceful lake in the middle of the mountains. That was me.
But then I went ahead and fallen into the trap, and now it’s like everyday there’s a storm. But the thing is I couldn’t bring myself to regret it. If anything, I love it. It’s like I’m standing in the storm’s eye. I am aware that everything around me is chaos, but despite of it all I can still remain calm. Not unaffected, but excited. I love the rush, the excitement, the breathlessness, and the excruciating pain. I love that it’s unexpected and difficult. I love that I am challenged by the obstacles that come my way. I love how it makes me feel alive.
And the thing is nothing else matters as long as I’m standing there with him, and that he’s holding my hand. He knows that we cannot control such a force of nature and our feelings are, as far as we’re concerned, also a force of nature. So we don’t fight against each other. We don’t fight against our own storms. We’re letting it ruin us in the way only storms can. And when the storm has passed, together we rebuild ourselves using the remaining part of us that we didn’t let get damaged: our hearts.
But do I regret anything that his love, his own storm, destroyed around me? In me? No. Because it destroyed only the thing that was keeping me from fully living: keeping myself safe all the time.
I was a stagnant; afraid to move and change. I was terribly contented and the walls I built up were keeping me in but not keeping the pain out like it was supposed to. I was still hurting, I was aware of it. The pain-free life that the walls guaranteed wasn’t met. Instead, it caged me in, and for years it made me think that it was where I should be because I thought it was where I was the safest, and because people kept telling me that it was the right thing to do. And so I did nothing.
But his storm, it shattered those walls. However it wasn’t easy. I wasn’t participating. Still, he was persistent. Even though it was almost impossible, he didn’t give up. It even got stronger. And the moment it cracked up, and I saw the chance to change something in my life, I didn’t fight back anymore. I didn’t keep rebuilding it. I just let him destroy the walls forever.
Now…I’m barred to him. And the thing is, I feel better, happier, and safer than I was before. It’s funny how being vulnerable actually makes you free. How opening yourself up sets you free. I’ve always thought that it’s a weakness, to wear your heart on your sleeves. But right now, I really don’t care about that. I’m in the eye of the storm and I feel glorious.
I feel everything; sometimes one at a time, most of the time all at once. I see the beauty in everything, in everyone, even when they don’t deserve it. And when they do…God, it leaves me in utter disbelief how I’ve let myself be so blind before. Love basically set me free.
Love, I’m coming to realize, is really amazing. It makes you brave, but not fearless. It takes things, but it gives hope. It’s a disaster, but it’s still beautiful. It exposes your heart to pain, but then covers it with love. And I really think that these are the most important things a love can do to someone; the most important things it did to me.
I love love and no matter how cynical the world is right now, no matter how cynical I was before, I’m going to continue falling in love. Love changed how I perceived the world and I’m never going back in the dark again.