1. “Have you tried eating better?”
Have you tried thinking better?
2. “You just need to exercise more.”
And you just need a smaller mouth.
3. “You just need to get out more.”
Yes, let’s put an anxiety ridden, on-edge person out in public to parade around the well-adjusted masses. There’s nothing quite like feeling totally out of place and unconnected to really pick up your spirits.
4. “Stop being so hard on yourself.”
Because, you can totally just like…stop. Because brain chemistry is a willful process.
5. “You need to stop moping.”
Moping is what you do when you go to Chipotle and they’re out of guacamole. Don’t diminish the feelings of others with your insensitivity.
6. “Don’t whine so much.”
Oh, like you did about how the Fifty Shades of Grey movie is nothing like the book? Learn to watch better movies. I’m pretty sure you don’t even know what the acronym BDSM means.
7. “You never like anything. You’re too picky.”
Says the person who can’t eat home cooked meals because the food never tastes like their favorite restaurant.
8. “Don’t you want anything from life?”
You mean, like, to not be totally and manically depressed and sad all the time? No, I like myself like this, can’t you tell?
9. “Have you seen a therapist?”
Have you seen a specialist about that hole on your face that won’t stop spewing shit? What about a nutritionist about that burger you’re eating? Or a shaman about the bad vibes you’re throwing out into the universe?
10. “One day at a time, right?!”
Go fuck yourself with a fucking rolled up wall calendar. Then, I want you to try and brush your teeth…one day at a time. One tooth a day. As they fall into various stages of decay, let me know how taking your life one day is working out for you.
11. “Maybe you just need to write down your goals.”
*Looks at list.*
*Stop being depressed.*
Hey, that totally worked! Thanks for curing me!
12. “Maybe you shouldn’t drink so much.”
You know what, that’s fair. Alcohol is a depressant and it doesn’t do anything to help depression, especially not longterm. But, until they start serving antidepressants at the bar down the street or in mini-packs at the gas station, I’ll take what I can get to help me pretend to cope right now.
13. “Maybe medication isn’t right for you.”
Maybe air isn’t right for you. But then again, that’s none of my business.
14. “Maybe you should try a different medication.”
Maybe you should try not sounding like a douche. Or lithium. Do they still give people lithium?
15. “When’s the last time you went on a date?”
Are…are you fucking kidding me? One, what kind of healthy relationships start off with one of the partners being manically depressed? And two, it’s a very rare soul that takes on the responsibility of bringing a person out of their depression or trying to emotionally relate to them. Thank the universe for those people, but they’re just few and far between.
16. “If you’re so depressed, you shouldn’t have broken up.”
Trying to maintain a relationship when you’re suffering from depression is so difficult and adds additional stress to the individual who is already trying to repair their relationship with him or herself. Sometimes, it’s easier to do without relationships. Especially if that significant other was more toxic than helpful.
17. “Why don’t you just snap out of it?”
Oh my god, thank you! Thank you so much! Why didn’t I fucking thinking to just snap out of it before? Now I can finally get on with my life and start planning for the future and everything’s going to be a-okay!
By contrast, things to say to a person with depression that don’t make you sound like a dick:
- “Hey, let’s stay in and watch Netflix tonight!”
- “I feel like eating a whole pizza, how about you?”
- “Let me help you that homework.”
- “When’s the last time you jumped on the bed?”
- “You know what I haven’t done in a while? Finger-paints.”
- “Let’s go on a walk.”
- “Let’s switch to water and go to Waffle House.”