1. You still live with your parents.
Serious relationships are difficult when your most serious relationship to date is with your mother or father. Or mothers or fathers — what have you. If you can’t move out (maybe because you’re too young or financially unable to), the trick is to find independence within your parents’ home. Talk to your guardians about boundaries and what actions are appropriate if you were to start dating. Don’t bring home Lose Lionel at 2am on a Tuesday and expect it to be cool with your parents if he sleeps on your couch.
2. Your personality sucks.
Do you have friends? Is there anyone at all who likes you? If you’re looking around right now wondering, “when was the last time somebody asked me to hang out?” then your personality probably sucks. Maybe you just drain the life out of people. Maybe you’re a flat character in your own story. Regardless of the reason, you’re never going to get on the New York Times Best Sellers List with an attitude like that, my friend. Work on yourself. Focus on what you like about yourself and try to expand from there.
3. You haven’t finished high school.
It’s true that some people meet the love of their lives in high school, only to get married soon after, and live “happily ever after.” Oh wait — no it’s not, my bad. Relationships are work. You aren’t even fully developed in high school, emotionally or physically. Instead, try focusing on school, lasting friendships, and life goals at this time in your life.
4. You haven’t finished college.
College is where a large number of people meet their life partners. Somewhere between keg stands and finals, some of your friends will find that significant other. Don’t be worried if you don’t. College isn’t a matchmaking service — it’s higher education. You’ll be more likely to find someone with similar interests to you in your work field or personal life. And if you don’t, there’s always internet dating (thank Gates).
5. You’ve never created art.
Get the finger paints out and make something. Make a friendship bracelet. Make your bro a sick duct tape wallet. Put it out into the universe that you have the ability to create. Offer up your art as a ceremonial sacrifice to Carl Sagan and the cosmos and maybe they’ll find you worthy of a companion.
6. You still have a Myspace.
What? Like, seriously? You STILL have a Myspace? I hate to break it to you, pal, but all your “friends” are spambots looking for your credit card info.
7. You don’t know how to do your own laundry.
Google it. Read the directions on the laundry box. Pro-tip: Don’t be like the Brady kids and use dish soap in the washing machine…that’s only funny on the sitcoms of your parents’ childhoods.
8. You haven’t figured out what the stove is for yet.
Again, Google it. Ask your mother. Ask the old lady down the street. Five bucks says she’ll enjoy the company and say something hilariously racist that you can tweet about later.
9. You’ve smelled since puberty.
So, maybe you missed a hygiene lesson here or there. Before you start seeking a life partner, you need to catch up on those. This is someone who you’re going to want to be able to comfortably smell you at some point, right? Even Klingons wear cologne.
10. You still don’t know what your actual clothing size is.
Who cares what your body looks like? You can still make it look good as long as your wear clothes that fit appropriately. Sure, those skinny little models in magazines look nice in baggy sweaters, but if you’ve got shoulders like Wonder Woman, let’s see ‘em!
11. You’ve never owned a full length mirror.
How do you even know what you look like?! You could be half-troll from the waist down? Your toe nails could be claws protruding from the depths of Hell! Buy a full length mirror!
12. You’ve never been on an adventure.
What do you mean Tommy never jimmied the kiddie gate open with the screwdriver from the toy box and you guys never went all out in the old west, AKA the sand box? Go outside. Take a walk. Turn down an unusual path. Take a trip. Volunteer. Do anything to get yourself out of the house.
13. You haven’t argued with somebody about politics.
If you’ve never gone balls to the wall with someone about something you truly stand for, how are you ever going to have an adult discussion?
14. Your breath smell like ass.
This one is super important. If you haven’t seen a dentist in…forever, please go. Just because you’ve gotten used to the taste of rot doesn’t mean someone else is going to like putting their tongue in your mouth. Seriously, people still get scurvy. Eat some fruit. See a dentist. Hopefully, they can salvage what’s left of your teeth.
15. You don’t know what you want in life.
Are you looking for a companion to follow you on your own adventures and share life experiences with? Or are you looking for someone who has their life all figured out so you can simply jump on the bandwagon? Love can’t have groupies. Have your own goals in life and look for someone who will support you in your pursuits while you support them in theirs.