1. “Do you want to start on top?”
How lazy is he? I mean, do you really have to do ALL the work?
Response: “Sure, do you want me to tuck you in after, too?”
2. “Should I put on a condom?”
What is this, 1952? You shouldn’t even be asking.
Response: “Yes, because I have this STD that causes explosive diarrhea in intense social situations, so you probably don’t want that.”
3. “How does that feel?” or “Is that OK?”
OK, so I get that you may really want to gauge my reaction, because resting bitch face really is a thing, especially during mediocre sexual encounters, but try to avoid the open-ended questions and instead go with something less awkward like, “Ya like that, baby?”
Response: “Like a spaghetti noodle is trying to pick a lock under my bellybutton.”
4. “Do you want to turn over?”
What he’s thinking: “Yeah, doggy style—that’s hot.” What I’m thinking: “Well, since the most sensitive point of the penis is below the head and for females it’s the clitoris at the top of the vagina or the G-spot, maybe he’ll actually unknowingly hit his targets.”
Response: It’s OK to say, “Hell yeah, take me!” to this one.
5. “Where’s your bathroom?”
OK, so he just finished and is panting and sweating, and you’re already waiting for him to leave.
Response: “You should probably just go use the one at your place.”
6. “When can I see you again?”
So the sex was subpar and you’re already looking this guy up in your contact list so you can delete his number and pull up Tinder.
Response: “I’ll text you when Joss Whedon announces the return of Firefly.” (Shuts door.)