Thank You For Leaving Me

estherhelen
estherhelen

We didn’t last long. If you ask anyone, we didn’t last anything, much like the shooting star we saw at the lake by your house, we were a fleeting, short lived flame. But a beautiful one.

But even for those few days when I tried to memorize every freckle of your face, the scar in your hand and tried to ignore the fact that miles would start to grow between us as soon as you turned on your engine that Monday morning, you helped me see why it had never worked before. Why my hands had never settled down from shaking and why my brain had never stopped from over thinking everything. Even if overthinking would later be our demise.

You still left, we had a departure day, and like anything related to time, it finally came and even when we tried – or at least I think I tried- we didn’t end up together.

Maybe we didn’t make the same wish that night.

But I have to thank you.

Thank you for making me see the way my words and my actions don’t always make sense, how when I told you I wanted to hug you and hold your hand, you didn’t believe it because I felt like running away from you the moment we were together. And even when I still don’t understand why I couldn’t let myself love you like I wanted to, I still think about how you were right when you said if I kept everything locked up I would end up alone and it scared you.

Thank you for showing me that I am capable of giving someone a chance, even when miles and borders separated us, I took the chance and tried to make it work. It was hard, possibly the hardest thing I ever did, to trust someone with my whole heart and not knowing what they did behind closed doors. The days were good, but when the nights where we were both drinking and out with friends, self-doubt filled me to the core and when I wanted you the most you weren’t there. But still I kept trying and trying until my heart couldn’t handle it anymore.

Thank you for showing me how strong I can be in times of doubt. Because even when everyone told me to stay away from you, danger written on your forehead, I kept calm and collected. When you were out at night in another town with people I didn’t know, I would try and focus on the good things, and it worked, somehow.

Thank you for being an asshole.

Thank you for teaching me about trusting my friends, even though they use the wrong words and make my hands shake with anger, they always have the best intentions and want to take care of me. They told me time after time that trusting you was a mistake, they said that it didn’t matter how long you tried and how much you claimed to like the way our “relationship” felt right, you would end up breaking my heart. But you know how I am, stubborn, always wanting to go the other way, impulsive and sometimes blinded by the color of your eyes.

Thank you for being miles and miles away from me, because I spent the first few weeks after you stopped any type of contact with me, crying at the most random times, every single thing would remind me of the time we spent together and it hurt me to the core, the silence between us grew more and more and the only reason I got from everyone was “that’s just like him”. As if you being an idiot was justified. Months passed before I saw you again, and it hurt again, like hell. But I just had to get through a few days with you to get used to the fact that we were nothing and would never be nothing more than “hardly friends”. Thank you for not making me see you every single weekend, for staying away from me enough for my heart to beat normally and for my hands to stop sweating.

Thank you for reminding me that my heart can still feel, that my worries are valid. Thank you for saying that no matter how awkward I can sometimes be, I still am a woman with qualities that make me attractive, thank you for reminding me how it feels to be excited about getting to know someone. And most of all, thank you for the deep talks we had from time to time, those won my heart.

Thank you for letting me go. TC mark

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