I’m Not Sorry

Annie Spratt / Unsplash

You’re an obsessive creep, so I know that even though we’re not speaking, you’ll find a way to see this.

This will sting. You’ve been warned. You know I’m not one to hold back the truth, no matter how much my voice shakes and breaks. I’m trembling as I write, but this is something you need to know.

I’m not sorry.

I’m not sorry I ever met you. I’m not sorry that you’ll always hold an important place in my life. I’m not sorry you know some of my muddiest secrets. You know, the ones I keep buried in the yucky, swampy part of my heart. I’m not sorry we grew up together, I’m not sorry that you star in most of my best memories. I’m not sorry I cry thinking about what the fuck happened and how either of let it get to this. I’m not sorry I believed you when you said nothing would change. I think you meant it, you just didn’t know how to keep your promise. I’ve broken promises too and I’m no better than you.

I’m not sorry I still talk about you with people. Good stuff, though. I can’t bad mouth you. You mean too much. I’m not sorry about how my stupid face lights up every time I see things that remind me of us. Coffee shops, funny IG posts, summer, the list goes on. I’m not sorry for missing you so much and for thinking about you every time something good happens. Every time something bad happens. Every time I need someone to tell me that it’s going to be okay. I’m not sorry for missing that. I’m not sorry for how pathetic you’ll think this is. You’re not mushy, and I’m nothing but. I’m not sorry for being real and exposing this. I’m not sorry for feeling completely lost without you.

I’m not sorry for these 20 years, but I’m also not sorry for letting go. Sometimes we can only be in person’s life for a season. If our season has finished, all I can do is give thanks.

I’m not sorry I needed space and I’m not sorry I backed away. You can’t just sit there and watch a plant grow, and you’re on your way to blooming, babe. You’re becoming someone else and no matter how much it hurts to see you drift away, I’m not sorry for what caused this. In fact, I’m happy for you and wish you well. If there’s someone in this world that needs to be happy, it’s you. Life’s been too hard and this is your big break. If we never speak again, all I want you to know is that I’m not sorry for any of it.

I’m not sorry for saying that you can always count on me. I’m not sorry for saying that I’ll always pray for you. I’m not sorry for thinking that I’ll miss out on some of the most beautiful moments of your life and I’m not sorry for hoping that in your selfless heart, no matter what happens, you’ll always take me with you.

You’ll always be in my heart. You’ll always be a part of me. And for that, I’m not sorry. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

Fernanda is a native New Yorker who loves tea, fuzzy socks and stories

Keep up with Fernanda on Instagram

More From Thought Catalog