1. While he may have been born in the Middle East, to Middle Eastern parents, “historical records” say that Jesus was white, and that’s why “everybody knew that he was divine.”
2. If you want your prayers to actually be heard by the Lord, always fully identify yourself, first and last name, at the beginning of every prayer.
3. Jesus likes it when you sing “Happy Birthday” to him on Christmas.
4. When you feel a warm breeze against your skin in the winter, or an unseasonably cold breeze against your skin in the summer, this means that Jesus just let someone you love out of Purgatory.
5. More than 99 percent of people go to Purgatory when they die.
6. Even though Mary had been married to Joseph for a while, she was still a virgin when she became pregnant with Jesus. Moreover, she remained a virgin…forever. When I once joked that Joseph was made a saint because he stuck with a wife who wouldn’t have sex with him, my mom confirmed that my remark was more or less accurate.
7. The baby Jesus never cried, and he always slept through the night, and always woke up before his mother. “He would wake up and quietly wait in his bed until Mary got up.”
8. Only weddings conducted in a church in front of God result in a real, technical marriage. Courthouse weddings, even those between a man and a woman aren’t really marriages, they’re civil unions, “legally speaking.”
9. China is an evil, godless nation of devil-worshipping Communists. We should boycott China by not buying anything made in China, unless it’s a piece of tacky religious art or a tacky religious knick-knack, all of which are invariably made in China.
10. When Jesus was put to death, every animal on Earth fell down where they stood, bowed, and wept.