This Will Be The Last Time I Think About The Possibility Of ‘Us’

 Mary Fedchuk
Mary Fedchuk

My heart finally reached the finish line – panting and almost out of breath. My heart tried to win this stupid race, but it never got first place. My heart grew weary and exhausted from all the running and chasing. To sum it all up, my heart simply grew tired of you.

Tired of wondering if there was ever a chance of you and me. Tired of putting meanings to every insignificant gestures you make. Tired of linking every sad song to you. Tired of wondering how have you been all these time when all I’ve been doing was missing you. Tired of wasting every wish, every shooting star, every 11:11s just for you. Just dead tired of chasing the possibility of winning your heart.

I honestly got myself addicted to those little sparks of hope. Those sparks that steered to short circuits of somedays and somehows. That maybe, just maybe, if all else fell into place, it will ignite a fire in you to burn down all the walls of fear that stood in the way between our hearts. Sad to say, those short circuits never triggered that fire. Not even close. All these time it has been just me. Me, who have spent random nights picturing out beautiful scenarios of us because I wanted you this much. I wanted you this much to watch sunsets with you. I wanted you this much to spend that New Years’ fireworks with you. All you needed to do was to take that single step, and I’d come rushing and running those ninety-nine other steps. But you never took a foot forward.

I simply wanted you to be here beside me. I wanted you more than anything else, but you weren’t. You didn’t want me this much so I’m finally leaving and saying goodbye to every possibility.

I learned to grasp the reality that I’m not the girl your heart does backflips for. I learned that eventually, people will just forget how you made them feel, and that’s what you’ve been doing to me. You’re basically letting me forget you by not doing anything. I learned that I have to be strong enough to walk away from the things that have been continually hurting me and be patient enough to wait for the things I deserve. Because I deserve someone who sees through the depth of my soul. I deserve to be chased and run after. I deserve someone who sees me more than I see you.

So, here’s a promise from me to you. This is the last time I think about you. This is the last time I ever mention your name. This is the last time I get mesmerized by your smile. This is the last time I let your presence affect my whole system. This is the last time my heart rise up beats for you. This is the last time I hesitate to love again. This is the last time I cloud my heart with fear. This is the last time I put words into place just to let the world know how I feel about you. This is the last time I write about you.

Because really, you don’t deserve me. I don’t deserve you. TC mark

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