When You Love The Person Who Can’t Love You

Her.

There’s a longing inside of me. A craving I have direly set my heart with for many years. A plethora of feelings and emotions I have been bottling up for so long, ready to give away for the right person and for the right reason.

Suddenly, I noticed the staggered beats in my heart. Just like a blur effect on this image I have laid my eyes on for so long. That blur effect was him. I caught glimpse of him and he was so damn good for all the right reasons. He has this depth inside him, it’s like a mystery I want to unravel inch by inch and little by little. I had his smile looped in my mind for days. His voice, I constantly replay in my ears and it’s like the most beautiful song I’ve ever heard.

I wanted him to notice me. I wanted him to see me. I was praying for destiny to make way for our souls to meet even just halfway through. I was hoping for the universe to conspire and fight for our souls to be together. Somehow though, we came close. But not close enough for us to fight for it.

Whenever I smile, I want him to see that it’s the most beautiful one because he’s the reason behind it. Whenever I laugh to the sound of his name, I want him to hear it because that’s how his name radiates through my heart. Whenever I feel beautiful, I hope he thinks the same because I went through all massive efforts just so he can think I am. Whenever I write, I want him to read it because he consume this much thoughts in my head and in my heart that I went out of my way to perfectly weave them into words.

Heartbreakingly though, he didn’t see me smile. He didn’t hear my most genuine laugh. He didn’t think I was beautiful. He didn’t read my thoughts. And the universe, not once conspired for his soul and mine to be together. Then, I kept thinking that maybe I wasn’t good enough for a man like him. Shattered and broken, I think he left my heart with an ellipsis, wanting for more.

Yet, despite everything, I like him.

Him.

Honestly, I am not ready for anything that involves women and hearts. I have never ached for someone so much in my entire existence. The thought of it just never made my priority list. But you know, life is funny that way, just like a life support finally picking up a heart rate, it beeped. A never ending series of beeps.

Just like in photographs, she was like macro and everything around her, was a total blur. I can only observe her from a distance because seeing her too close makes my heart flutter in different directions. In a crowd of people, her face is the first one I search for. I linger and get lost in that face until I can lock my gaze on her and watch how she clench her teeth or flinch her eyebrows and all the tiny details her face makes. And when she looks up and smile that most captivating smile I have seen in my entire life, my day had never been more complete.

I do notice her. I do see her. For the first time in my life, I actually believed in fate and was actually hoping for chances too. A part of me believed that things are more than just coincidences. But I try my best to hide this jittery feeling because she shouldn’t know how giddy she makes me feel. She shouldn’t know how amazingly uncomfortable her proximity makes me feel.

Because she so perfectly defines the every paradox in my life, may it be irony, an oxymoron or a juxtaposition.

Whenever she smiles, I want to tell her to stop it because it makes me yearn for that smile every time I see her. Whenever she laughs, I don’t want to hear it because it pains my heart that it’s not me who can make her laugh that hard. Whenever she puts on makeup and dresses up, I don’t want to see how beautiful she is, because as much as I want to tell her I don’t want to see what I’m giving off away. Whenever she writes her thoughts, I don’t want to read it because I don’t want to know about the pains people from her life has caused her.

But most often than not, when I get to have the chance – I lingered on her smile. I listened to her most cheerful laugh. I stayed up nights thinking how beautiful she is. I read through her works hoping and wishing that someday, it’s me she will be happily writing about. I pray for the day that the world finally rigged a vote for us. Because she is the kind of woman that I don’t get to play my losing cards with. She’s the all or nothing kind.

She’s the masterpiece I don’t want to mess with right now. I don’t want to distort her now just because I am not yet fully ready and hell, she doesn’t just deserve a fifty percent. And I will wait for that day that I can finally muster all the courage to fight for her and give her a whopping hundred percent. Right now, I don’t want to leave her heart with a comma, hanging and suspended. I cannot be that man for her right now.

Yet, despite everything, I like her.