I’ll Always Be Sorry For Ruining Us

man looking at night sky
Francisco Moreno

You were the best thing that ever happened to me. You made me the happiest I had ever been in a long time.

I will never forget the moments we shared and the way you made me feel whole. I never thought I deserved to feel a love like that so up close. It was a love that every fiber of my being felt so deeply, and will continue to long for from now.

You helped me shine on my darkest days. You made me believe that it was okay to be who I was. I finally accepted being the guy who made everyone else laugh and then went home and cried himself to sleep every night. Because he finally had you to cry with. No one had ever made me feel so comfortable in being who I was. You loved every part of me, no matter how dark or disgruntled.

But despite my best efforts, you met the same fate that everything else in my life has had the misfortune of meeting. I let my anxiety get in the way. Slowly and gradually, I became the guy they tell every girl to stay away from; insecure, abusive, and simply a burden that kept dragging you down.

The emotional torture you had to go through with me every other day was unjust and unfair for someone like you, someone who had fared so much damage throughout her past. It was remarkable how you never let any of that stop you from believing in me to be a better man. But you were right. I could never be a man. I am too immature.

I am not going to lie. Being with you was a challenge for me every second of every day. I wanted to be better for you. I wanted to overcome all my insecurities so you would have every reason to rely on me. I wanted to be that pillar of strength you could always hold on to no matter what. But the only problem was that I always said these things and never actually proved them. In fact, my actions always did quite the opposite of what I said. And that’s something I knew you had started noticing, as the faith you had in me began crumbling.

I know who I am; an extremely emotional human being who can burst out into an episode of uncontrollable rage any second. And that’s why I was always afraid of myself around you. But saying all of this puts you in a negative light, when the reality is that I always knew in the back of my mind that no matter what wrong I did, you would always be there to forgive me. And you were.

But I broke your heart. I disrespected you. I disgraced whatever little faith you had left in me. I literally shattered all the things we ever stood for. I could not be more ashamed of what I did. And the way you’ve simply gone silent ever since, raises so many voices in my head that I have to keep fighting every second just to make sure I don’t fall back down into that pit again. This is exactly what I deserve.

I know what I did was wrong. By the end of it, everything just became a matter of control for me. I became obsessive. I wanted to know everything you were doing. I wanted to be wherever you were going. I had become so insecure. I just could not believe how far I had pushed you, and I had no clue that everything I was doing was only increasing the distance between us. I just couldn’t wrap my head around the fact that the thought of us I had held onto for so long in my mind had slipped so further away from my grasp. I was confused. My mind was clouded. I couldn’t look at the bigger picture anymore, it got too dark for me to visualize.

But now that I look back on it, I guess burning all the bridges down was the only way I could save you from myself. I knew you would’ve never given up on me so easily and would’ve always been there to look out for me. But I would’ve never stopped disappointing you every step of the way.

From being your happy place to being the worst thing that ever happened to you, it was never my intention to leave you as yet another life lesson. But I am glad I have ridden you of the burden that I had become. It was by no means your burden to bear.

So now you are free, just the way a beautiful soul like yours deserves to be. I will forever hold myself responsible for the damages I have caused.

One last time…I am sorry. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

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