And so the long-drawn process of heartache and battle of who’s winning the breakup has started.
I’ve already done the bangs thing – you know, the one where all girls do something radical with their hair after a major trauma. I’ve put Beyoncé on repeat, perfectly mouthing every angsty I-don’t-need-a-man song. I also started a fitness regime – yoga to be exact. To create some sort of balance and release of bad jujus. To be honest, the only thing that needs balancing right now is my check book. I’ve been spending way too much on clothes, junk food and feel-good items, indulging in quick fixes to help me get some sort of temporary high. Like putting Nutella on everything.
Everyone’s trying to be nice. It’s hard not to notice the hushed tones and shifty eyes when his name accidentally gets mentioned. The “Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that” (insert surprised look), followed by the sympathy hug. And the “I’ve known it all along, he wasn’t good enough for you”. I swear if I hear another “It’s better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all,” I would have lost it.
And in the midst of the awkward conversation of not knowing how to offer comfort, people start to offer bad breakup advice.
Like this one.
1. “You know, the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else.”
Well I’ll give you points for the clever word play but the only thing I want to get under is my blanket and fluffy pillows and not come out until you disappear. Yes you, the one with the bad advice. I’m not about to get under some stranger for a night of meaningless sex. Besides, maybe I prefer to be on top.
And this one.
2. “Did you know it takes approximately 1 month for every year you were together to get over a breakup?”
And it would take exactly 1 second for me to punch you. Why would you even tell me that? To distract me over the math, such that when I finally figure out the answer, I’d have forgotten all about the breakup? If you must know, we were together for 13 years. Which means I will take approximately 13 months, which equates to forever. Besides, how can anyone put a number to this? I’ll take as long as I need to mourn and who knows, maybe I’ll wake up tomorrow, completely over him.
But wait, it gets worse.
3. “Don’t worry, love is just round the corner.”
Don’t tell me love is just round the corner. I don’t need it to be.
It just makes me want to violently shake you and ask “Which corner?! Which corner?! And how do you know! Tell me!”.
Then they start making suggestions. This is when I wished I had chosen some sort of rage-based fitness regime instead of yoga.
4. “You should read Eat, Pray, Love. They even made a movie, starring Julia Roberts.”
Excuse me while I roll my eyes.
5. “You should totally get on Tinder.”
How about no.
6. “You should speak to someone. I know a good therapist.”
My heart weeps. And it’s not because of the breakup.
And the worst kind? Those that try to put a positive spin to it. Don’t. Just don’t.
7. “Think of it this way. It could have been worse. At least you didn’t have his kids”
Oh, come on!
8. “Don’t worry, at least you’re still young and attractive”
Really? Have you not seen my breakup bangs that I’m totally regretting right now?