I always thought that I’d don the hijab when I was truly ready– by that meaning when I felt like it was time or I’d probably get a sign.
Wearing the hijab is not just a piece of cloth on your head – it’s more than that. It’s a way of life.
I remember my dad telling me and my sister to wear it once we were back home during our last few days in Madinah.
When he asked me to put it on, I hesitated. I wasn’t ready. My dad looked so disappointed; he wasn’t mad, just disappointed. He asked me why and I explained to him how I felt very insecure of what people would say. I was scared that boys wouldn’t like me or find me attractive. I felt that it limited me for doing sports. I knew I would be treated differently.
I was ready to list down all the things that were in my head, I could’ve gone on forever but my dad cut me off, and I remember the look on my his face when he asked me, “What about what God thinks of you? Aren’t you afraid of that?”
And I just kept quiet because I know he was right.
I’ve been donning the hijab for a year now, and on some days I still struggle with keeping the hijab on.
Nobody ever tells you the struggles of keeping the hijab on, everyone just tells you the beauty of it and that it’s a small reminder that modesty doesn’t limit aspiration – ignorance does.
I guess I should consider myself as one of the lucky ones, as I’ve only received positive feedback since I started donning the hijab. I know some of my friends had to struggle over whether to keep the hijab on due to people’s comments and how they reacted towards the hijab.
Confidence is everything that I don’t have – I have been ‘faking until I make it’ for years and it really doesn’t help with someone who has anxiety. It doesn’t help it either that I’m barely 5’0 so I’d always have to be careful with my outfits to avoid looking like a ball of cotton.
I’ve been thinking a lot and sometimes I really do miss the feeling of being able to show off my new haircut or that ombre hair that I’ve always wanted to get done. Then I started thinking about how would it be if I didn’t put my hijab on or what it would be like I I decided to take it off one day. Thinking about this, having these thoughts – it just makes me feel like shit. I suppose at some point of every person who donned the hijab would go through this, feeling vulnerable or depressed or maybe just confused about wearing it.
My only advice to those going through the same thing as me and having these thoughts about taking their hijab off would be is to remember the core reason why you one day decided to adopt the hijab. In which case wasn’t even really my advice because I had a friend telling me that.
Pleasing The Creator is always, always better than pleasing His creations, you’re so much more than your appearance and no matter how hard it might be, how hard it will eventually be to keep your hijab on – it’s on for one reason.
For every struggle you have in keeping the hijab on, you will be rewarded and that’s going to be worth it.
Trust me, I know.