Before I found myself, I had to get to know me first. I began to know me again because I was a stranger to myself. I couldn’t recognize myself anymore because I have been so caught-up in what has been going on in my life that I honestly cannot remember who I am. I started digging for my core values for assurance. I desperately searched my memory for the type of person I said I will be by now. I know what I want but for some reason I lost direction.
Maybe I liked lifting my hands up in the air for a little bit not realizing that I was giving-up instead. And I became scared. I became fearful of losing what we had that I started losing what I could have with someone else. I almost forgot that there is more out there and that this is just the beginning of many life changing love experiences. I almost forgot that you are the exact same thing of a fairytale except you are completely the opposite. I almost forgot why we are together.
The idea of losing you put everything into perspective. For the first time of my life, I know how it feels to prefer not having a significant other than having one whose existence and non-existence are the same. I saw that I do not need you and that you need me. I felt that I was falling out of love with you while you were falling in love with me. And in that moment, I felt so helpless to save us from going down that road. I wanted to hold your hand as you were walking away and ask you to stay. Ask you to try just a little bit more, one last time.
Losing you showed me that we love differently. It made me see the kind of person I am. It helped me see how the fun and corny, the deep and sensitive sides of me blend perfectly. I saw the light in me. And I started seeing you in a different light. I reflected on the good and the bad, remembering what I deserve. To the point I started questioning my decision about you. I started to see my place in your world better. I watched how your words and actions did not match. I resisted your emotional unavailability. I hated your selfishness.
I found myself by allowing empty space to take over. I did not interfere. I did not resist. I did not deny. Instead, I just listened. I got up and continued with my day. I let myself be disappointed but not discouraged, sad but not miserable, broken not destroyed. I was the friend I needed for myself, the cheerleader, the coach. I was okay with not knowing the answers for what was racing in my head.
The itching flame of my heart did not bother me because I knew taking risks comes with a price. I found myself by allowing myself to go with the flow. And I found myself by letting myself be found. I started doing the things I should have started doing a long time ago. I became more focused on what matters. And less tolerant of bullshit.
I learned that patience goes a long way in relationships. To truly love someone, one must be patient. To be capable of accepting someone wholly, one needs to accept themselves first.
And in that, I found what I lacked. I identified what I needed to alter in my perception of self-love. I began to reconnect with my needs than my fears. I heard my confidence assure me that I will shine regardless of how things turn out. I gave myself a break from judgement. I forgave myself for what I could not accomplish.
I may not be on track yet, but I am heading in that direction. And I may not have lost you entirely yet, but I lost my idea of you. I lost the parts of you I loved.