It’s not your fault. You didn’t do anything wrong. And there’s nothing you could have done to prevent it from happening. They’ve been prepared to leave the first day you met. And they made-up their mind the moment both of you felt something real and undeniable; something terrifying.
They’ve been pushing you away ever since but you just wouldn’t leave. Instead, you lingered longer and stood firmly. They’ve gone out of their way to hurt your feeling, to wound your pride, to destroy your hopes for what the connection share together. You’ve seen them show interest in other people. They put on a show that you almost believed they didn’t want you anymore. That they found something better, someone who’s better, too.
They slammed you with the truth about what they didn’t feel about you. They told you that they didn’t feel anything for you. They said they didn’t want to have kids if that was something you wanted. That they weren’t ready for a relationship with you but they surly are preparing themselves to be someone’s husband, someone’s wife soon enough. They said that they were going away. They acted their worst and they did their best to make sure you would leave for good.
They wanted you out of their life. And here you are, in all of the places except the one you want to be.
They confused you like no one has ever had and ever would. Just last week, you were together and it was great. Next thing you know, they’re poking you to start a fight. They were doing all of the things to get under your skin. They made it too obvious for you not to understand what was going-on. Just like in the movies where someone says some bullshit to push away the other person. But, that was happening to you. And it felt so sickening.
Your world was shattered and it felt like a sword just cut through your heart. You wanted them to feel something but instead, they sat there and watched you cry all of the pain, the anxiety and the fear you were becoming. They saw how much they hurt you in that moment and it moved absolutely nothing. Their touch felt abusive. Their eyes had no life in them. It really felt as you were in a room with a monster. They were just telling you that they cared for you deeply and that they would do anything for you. Like anything including the expectable not. Like brutally mocking your connection with the cruelest question you’ve ever been asked: “are you in love with me or something?”
Their desire for you comes with ultimatums. They wanted you but in a certain way. Perhaps they loved you but didn’t know or at least tried to deny it. Their love for you isn’t unconditional.
They wanted to be the centre of your world. They wanted to be your source of happiness, to rely on them for approval and self-worth. They wanted you under their control. They wanted to live the single life and get the luxury of being committed to someone. When they found out that you wouldn’t play your part the way they wanted you to, they left you with tremendous scars and unanswered questions.
You couldn’t be the only one fighting, the one who’s trying, the one who’s taking risks. You also couldn’t hurt anymore after you’ve been torn to pieces. You wanted to physically stay but you knew you couldn’t. They closed all the doors. And then they built a wall between you two. You were trapped and paralyzed. You were doomed if you took one step forward and you were doomed if you took one step back. You couldn’t win that game because they were well-rehearsed and they knew exactly how to destroy something so beautiful, so magical in a matter of seconds.
You were speaking a language they didn’t fathom. You preached a religion they didn’t believe. You asked for something they didn’t have. And as you ever wander for them, know that it was the end of a vulnerable, loving them because you were their last resort and still, they let you go. This is not the end of you. This is the beginning of a brilliant, indestructible version of you.
Wonder not why they let you go, ask yourself why you are still here, waiting the return of a hideous heart. One that does not exist.