Words that changed everything for me. The kind of words that cut through my core. I’ve never realized how heavenly silence really is until that exact moment. I began to wonder what good it does to have a heart-to-heart conversation with someone who is a robot when it comes to love. It’s easy to admit to something that happened than to take responsibility for something in a given moment because it holds you reliable. It puts you on the spot. I get it, you killed it on purpose.
The memories we made haunt you. They’re on your phone. They’re all over your apartment. On the shelf, a book that can transform your whole life if you let it. In the drawer, an escape to some kind of fantasy you never thought you would live. Somewhere, an-oversea money bill is waiting to be included in your dad’s collection album. I’m sure that you have me stored in your ego somewhere because I gave you value. The kind of value you never had. The value of being truly cared for with no agenda and nothing expected in return.
The luxury of being loved when you are most unlovable. The gift of having someone genuinely worry for your health, happiness, and future. Someone who gives a fuck if you die or live. Someone whose life isn’t the same without you in it.
You kept coming back over and over again. You missed this. You missed us, you missed me, you missed the person you can be. Throughout the time we’ve known each-other, you had numerous opportunities to be with women who would kill to be with you.
And yes, you took on those opportunities yet some how, you brought me back into your big messed-up circle of try-outs. You’ll always find someone who’s a better fit for you than I’ll ever be. You’ll find someone who falls in your category of perfect. And you’ll find someone who lets you be just the way you desire. You can never make me part of your circle. I’m temporary. I’m a replacement.
Our conversations took you places. I talk too much. Every day it’s an argument. You get three minutes of happiness then I ruin it by some sort of immature, annoying questions. I crash your enthusiasm for fun like you crash our connection.
You would rather argue you with me for two hours after a long day than be with the girl who’s sexy when she doesn’t talk. The day after we talked about your past, you changed your last name on Facebook. You magically appeared on the team roaster after I told you that you weren’t there, what a coincidence!
You started talking about your mum with more grace after you met me. You began to question the authenticity of your world after you peaked at mine. You tried hard to get close to my best friend, the guy who’s my person, my man. You wanted to meet my mum. You wanted more than nothing but I guess it’s not the case anymore..
There’s no light at the end of the tunnel. We are nothing but you and your ex are something. We are so insignificant but you have something with someone that you’re willing to destroy everything for. You gave all these people the one thing I really wanted. A fucking chance.
You gave them more than a 100%. I didn’t realize I was the light this whole time until today. I never needed your perception for approval. I never had to give you a case to toss in the garbage. It just happened.. Naturally, oddly, organically. I made you feel something you’ve haven’t felt in a while. I showed you a love you didn’t believe existed.
And you. You showed me how meaningless the most precious things in life can turn into if placed in the wrong hands. You left a lot of damage behind that I feel free instead of imprisoned. You hurt me but you didn’t destroy me. You scratched my self-esteem but you didn’t touch my pride. I don’t have to wonder about how it’s like with other people. I don’t have to worry about how we make it work. I don’t have to read into what you say or be cautious about being spontaneous because of my uncontrollable vulnerability.
I can find you anytime of the day, anywhere. I’m not scared of living in a world without you. I am scared of living in a world with you in it. We are nothing, or else, why would I be writing this..?