To the man who’s about to break my heart,
It’s hard for me to speak my mind with regards to my own feelings. I have a hard time letting people in, and as you know, I have a way of letting other people open up so much so that they don’t even notice I haven’t opened up an inch.
You and I though, we’re different.
We are honest with each other. We know that we’re damaged, transient and afraid of love. We work perfectly together. Or we have. This is why I must keep with the honesty and reveal myself to you.
I’m scared. I’m actually scared to death of what this is going to do to me.
I know that you think that I’m this tough girl, capable of not feeling, but I’m not. The truth is, I feel so much, more than your average. I’ve built a wall so high that no one can see through my exterior persona I have created. No one can see the girl inside me who longs to be held and loved in a way she’s never felt before.
No one can see how terrified she is of breaking, again.
Then there is you. You’re all the wrong things rolled up into one beautiful package that makes me feel so many things. You’re everything I shouldn’t be looking for, yet it seems to make sense.
For two people who are so different, we are so alike.
In so many ways, I see myself in you. The way you keep running away as an option, protecting yourself and reminding yourself that if things start to feel too real, you can, and will, leave.
You like the idea of leaving and what that will do to the people you have loved, or who have loved you. You long to be desired in ways that you can’t even comprehend. You play the scenarios out in your mind, using them to calculate your own self-worth. I’ve been there.
You pretend to be so hard. You purposefully try to hurt the people you care about as a test. It means you can push people away while seeing what they can handle.
In the end, it’s hurting you so much more than them.
You love having dual personalities. You love portraying yourself as one way and watching how easily you can manipulate people. You’ve sworn you haven’t manipulated me.
Through you, I can see the way these behaviours are self-destructive. I can see how I’ve prevented myself from experiencing great things over the past few years. I see how frustrating I can be for those who care about me. For once, I’m on the other side.
And this is why I am so incredibly terrified. This honesty we’ve created between us, paired with passion and attraction, is a dangerous combination.
There’s no hiding, there’s no lies. Despite knowing everything about you, I trust you.
All of this is giving me that familiar itch in the soles of my feet, telling me that it’s time to run. My browser is full of saved links for travel and overseas jobs. But there’s a part of me that think that this time, I shouldn’t run.
This time, I should face my fears.
So I guess what I’m trying to say is that I’m really scared, but I think you are too. I know that you could hurt me, and more importantly, I know that I could hurt you.
And I’m going to try to keep that in mind while I work through these feelings. I’ll do my best to open up, even if I can only knock one brick down at a time.
Maybe you’ll be worth it.